Driving with My Eyes Closed

I am always fascinated with my dreams. Most times I wont remember them but other times I will remember parts. There are those times when my dreams stand out. Some can be so vivid that I cannot get them out of my head and end up thinking about them all day. The dreams that really matter the most to me are the ones that repeat. That is because then I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving my car with my eyes closed. This is the second time I had this dream. The first one was me falling asleep at the wheel and not being able to open my eyes. I was able to pull the car over and open my eyes. Funny thing about this was I was driving from the back seat. Eventually the cops pulled me over. The dream I had last night was similar. I was driving with my eyes closed but this time I was in the driver’s seat. I could not open my eyes and I did hit the breaks almost expecting to crash but I never did.

So, when I have a dream like this I normally think about my life and try to explain it to the best of my ability. I automatically feel that my dream is telling me that I am heading to an unknown future. That I have the ability to stop myself and open my eyes to go in a different way if I chose. I think that fact that I was not scared about crashing in either dream means that I have no fear of this unknown future. I am actually validated by this because not only did I say in the past that I am going to let fate take the wheel and see what happens, but I also said I had no fear of it.

Interestingly enough, I decided to get look up my dream on dreammoods.com. It seems that I am not too far off:

To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.

I agree with this assessment up to a certain point. I do have direction and a goal. Right now I am working hard on the job search and my goal is to return to the city of my birth. However, I have no direction in my love life. I have no goals right now and I am pretty much along for the ride. I think this is where the dream is stemming from.

I have thought about this very much. First, I want to say that I was smiling to myself this morning because I was trying not to talk about fate again this year, but I guess that is not going to happen. I stand firm that I need to concentrate on me this year. My main goal when it comes to my love life is to just sit and observe. I just need to watch what’s happening in the world around me. It is not just about the dating game but rather how to deal with women in general.

There was no reference to backseat driving on this site but I will venture a guess. Usually if you are dreaming about about being in a car and not driving it means you are not in control of the current path you on. I think the fact that in my first dream I was driving from the back seat means that I much as I may believe that I am not in control of my love life, I truly am. Perhaps the second dream is merely acknowledgment that I have indeed taken control of it although I have no clue where I am going.

No Fear

“The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can’t lick ’em, join ’em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else.” – Ursula Kroeber Le Guin

Here is the thing I am trying to convey: People can change. I am not sure sure why this is so hard for people to believe. Indeed, we are creatures of habit and it is easier for people to not change at all than to make the effort to do something different. However, if a person truly wants to change and have the motivation to do so, they can.

Sure, our behaviors make us who we are. Change does not happen over night but it is indeed possible. If chain smokers can quit smoking then that should be an indication that people can change. Of course addiction is a disease, but it is still a change in habits and in many ways a change in thinking. Very similar to how so many people ask me how I have lost the weight and maintain that loss. I have changed the way I do things. I have changed the way I eat and the way I live my life.

More importantly, people need to make mistakes in life. Clearly this is not an ideal way to learn anything, but life is everyday learning. We get tested everyday and we do not always pass those tests. Trust me, I know first hand. I am a failure at so many things in life at one point or another, but if I don’t fail, I cannot succeed.

Real change comes when you have nothing else to lose. I have seen many things in my life and one this is for sure, pride is the downfall of so many people. Pride is usually the last thing a person loses before they reach that rock bottom. Once we reach that place, we cannot sink any lower. Some people have issues dealing with such a place or concept. Some people never get out of it either. However, if you have ever been at the lowest point in your life then you will know that the experience is life altering.

When I am talk about life altering, think about losing everything. What happens when we have nothing lose? There is no more fear. Very few things from that point on can hurt us as we build our life back up. We become free to do whatever we really want to do in life.

For me there was the acknowledgment of a few things. I realized that I will be single for a long time. Call it a personal choice or maybe a protest to God (whom, I am starting to think that God is woman, but that is another post…*smile*), but in either case I need some serious me time. I acknowledge that kids may not be in the cards for me. I know, I keep saying this and some people actually get upset, but it is what it is and I will let fate decide that one. Finally, there is the chance with all the things that are happening in my life that I may just die alone. Yes, that is a somber and morbid thought, but the funny thing is, I have no fear of that. Maybe because in my heart, I know it is not true.

But, as much as those negative things are a possibility, so are the positive ones. I may just get married again. I may just have have 3-5 kids. Maybe I will become this famous poet/author. I do not know, but that is all possible. I have reached the level of acceptance and have let go. My point is that right now I am living a life without fear.

I told someone yesterday that I am caring less and less every day. What I meant was that all the things that I used to stress are fading away. Why should I stress something that may ultimately not matter? At this point, I am living my life according to what I feel is right for me.

What is your Karma?

“You see, there is only one constant, one universal, it is the only real truth: causality. Action. Reaction. Cause and effect.” – The Merovingian (The Matrix Reloaded)

I have written about karma before and I really do not want to keep repeating the same things. The problem is that I have been thinking about karma lately but only in a third person point of view. Clearly this is something that I believe in and stand by. I think that karma is a force within the universe that just happens. There are both good and bad karma. Most people focus on the bad. “What comes around goes around” is something that my dad used to say all the time when I was kid. Of course when he said he didn’t mean it in a good way either.

What I find interesting is how people determine what their karma is. As if karma will effect anyone of us in the exact same way as the deed we did. The best way to describe this is if person A were to screw person B over a promotion and person B will think that person A will just get screwed over by someone else in the long run over another promotion. Perhaps that is the case and perhaps not. Some times a person’s karma could be worse than imagined. I am not one to believe that karma will effect us in the same way that we effected others. However, there are unique cases in which it does. We all get what is coming to us.

This is also the same thing when it comes to good karma. I know that I am not the best person in the world, but I do care about people in general. I have been told I care a little too much thus, my flaw is that I have too much faith in people. Perhaps that is true. I have been raised to believe that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. However, people make mistakes and they screw other people over. It happens. The question because can the person handle the karmic recourse?

There is the issue of cause and effect. Everything we do will cause something to happen to someone else. It does not matter if that effect is big or small. It is almost a ripple effect of sorts. We can talk all day about how we need to be good people in order to get in heaven or at least a version of it. In some belief systems, karma is said to dictate how you evolve in the social order in the next life. So, if you are a total asshole in this life, in the next you could be reborn as a slug. Harsh sentiment, but some in beliefs, that is how it works. It makes me think about how some people of a certain faith believe that they can act in anyway they like as long as they go to church on Sunday, they will be absolved of all sin. Maybe that is the case, but karma is a bitch.

Better yet, we would have to beleive that the choices that we make in our lives will effect us throught the course of it. One would have to be willing to make mistakes in order to learn from them. It is said that people cannot change. I do not believe that. I think they can. I have see it. I have done it. Most people are not willing to change due to pride or their own self worth. Usually, it is karma that really plays a role into everything. People will get what is coming to them which is why we have this notion that good things will come to those who wait.

So what is do you believe your karma is? Did you screw someone over and in the back of your mind you are patiently waiting for payback from someone else? Does this allow you to trust people less because somewhere in the recesses of your heart you believe you are not worth the time or the energy? This is where I was last year. After everything is said and done, my karma proved to be a bitter pill to swallow. The worse part is that I know that I am good person. But, good people also make mistakes that they continually pay for. As time has gone on, I have learned to deal with my own shit and have grown in confidence ever since.

Karma is not just something that comes around. It is a learning mechanism that the universe gives to us. It is how we learn from our mistakes and not a matter of cosmic revenge. It is why we do not stick are hands in the fire because we know that we will get burned, but that does not mean we don’t use fire to warm us. Same thing goes with love and life. I cannot be afraid of getting hurt because I hurt people. At the same time, if I am going to get burned for being too nice, then so be it. Karma will come for everyone.

If you havent notice my litte subtle hints…karma and fate are ultimately linked.

Year One

“I’ve been travelin’ on this road too long, Just trying to find my way back home. The old me is dead and gone dead and gone” Dead & Gone – T.I. Featuring Justin Timberlake

As I sit here in NYC again, I almost find it hard to believe that it has been exactly one year since I started this blog. Last year at this time, I knew that my life was about to under go a drastic change. The writing on the wall was pretty clear in terms of my marriage and I just needed an outlet. I needed something to get my mind off of all the things that were around me. So I started to write.

I wrote every day for 101 days. I spoke about anything that came to mind as if I never had a chance to have my voice be heard before. My original plan was to give a voice to Afro Latinos. I wanted to write a blog from that point of view. Perhaps give people what they have been missing.

As I spat out blog post after blog post, it became harder and harder to find a topic. Once that started happening, writing became less fun for me. I felt almost superficial in what I was saying. I looked at my blog and felt like a hypocrite. “Inside My Head” sort of became a joke to me because I wasn’t really writing about what I was feeling. I contemplated just quitting the blog all together.

Once May rolled around, I decided to just let it all out. I wanted to really face everything head on and take my readers with me on this journey. I was a little fearful that people may not read as much because I was getting personal and I was writing less. However, I noticed that my writing was getting better and in the same regard I was actually feeling a release of energy with every blog entry.

The blog began to really help me mentally. But those changes were really not going to be complete if I really did not start running. I can say that I must have thought of a great deal of blogs when I was on the treadmill. It is rare that someone has a change to change mentally and physically at the same time…and I seem to still be losing weight.

There were times in which I really felt that I was arguing with myself. Several blogs about fate and destiny have lead me to a different conclusion about my life than when I first started. The rest…well it just seemed to be about love or a variation of it. I wanted have this blog to pave the way for me to gain self redemption. I have made many mistakes in my life that I have paid dearly for and at times continue to pay for. My journey, through this blog, has and continues to help me look in the mirror.

Which bring me to what seems to be my new passion on the blog, my poetry. Please do not ask me where this came from because I do not even know. There are times when I have an idea and I need to write it down. Most times it comes out as a finished poem that I simply retype on to the blog. In the late summer, I felt a real need to find a different and more creative way to let what I was feeling out…without just saying it. The poem about Rocky was supposed to be poem that I just wrote and nothing more. But, as time passed, I just felt the need to just write more. When you are an emotional writer like I am, it is almost like a drug to get write every raw emotion down.

I have scanned my poetry. Someone indeed gave me a journal for Christmas and I am using that journal for strictly poems. I know that I have written most my poems out of stress and sadness. However, I do have some love poetry that I am not entirely sure I want to post. I will have to think about that.

So, for your viewing pleasure (and mine too), I am listing what I believe to be my top 10 blog of this past year. Maybe you will get a chance to read some if you have not done so already:

I am looking forward to Year 2 of this blog. I still think I have plenty to say and I just hope that you will all continue to walk along side me in my journey.

“I turn my head to the east, I dont see nobody by my side, I turn my head to the west still nobody in sight. So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride. The old me is dead and gone,the new me will be alright”

What is the Point of Looking?

Let me preface this post by saying that these are thoughts in my head that I am toying with. When you drive 4 hours from one place to another, you have time to think about life.

This year I will be 36 years old. I am getting closer to 40 and I start to see many things in my life clearly. I looked over my past battles over the idea of fate and it has left me with one question: What is the point of looking?

Bear with me here. I am going through a divorce in which I was married to her for 8 years. Before her there were years of me being single in which, I was looking for someone to love me as well as someone to love. My prior relationship ended badly and I was thus single for about 3 years. I didn’t really date, although I tried. But, I always felt I needed something or someone.

I do not feel that way anymore. Not really sure what has changed or how I got here, but I do feel that I do not need a woman to make me happy. There is the realization that I am talking about need and not want. I not going to say that I do not want a woman because of course I do, but I do not feel that I need the love of a woman to make me happy.

I think that we get in trouble in relationships because we constantly want to look for someone who is perfect for us. Why cant we just let fate decide? I know myself. I know that I will be single for a while. The difference between then and now is the simple fact that being alone no longer bothers me. I have a certain freedom of being able to do what I want to do.

The other things is… I am just not interested. Before I open those can of worms, I will say that I know who I want, but sometimes things are what they are. Outside of that, I am not interested in the drama. I am not interested in the getting to know someone well enough to realize that they are not for me. I am not a person who goes to the club to meet a woman. At this point, I am just going to live my life and let fate decide what is going to happen.

So, what is the point of looking? Ever lose something in your room and cannot find it, then you find it when are not looking for it? Same concept here. While it almost sounds that I am looking without looking, it really isn’t. I am too old for many of the games that I see other people go through. Right now, I am just trying to survive this month so I can deal with the next.

Plus, I am a guy and more often than not I seem to run into so many women that will actively preach that men ain’t shit. I dig it. I have made my fair share of mistakes and blunders thus, I am now a single man. I still do not see how any woman would want to deal with some of the very real issues I have right now. I am not saying this because feel bad about myself, I really don’t. Perhaps it is better this way, I can finally focus on me.

There was a point where I had a fear that I may die alone. Interestingly enough, I do not have that fear anymore. Not to say that I will or that I wont, things happen for a reason. If it meant for me to get another girlfriend it will happen regardless if I look for one or not. So why look?

Trust me, I have heard many things. I am still young, single, and have no children. So that some how qualifies me to be this object that women should go after because after all, women are ruthless. I have been told that everything a woman does is calculated. All I can say is…eh. Solitude is not a bad thing. I have family and friends that will keep me quite busy if I let them.

The point is, I need to get my shit together.

We All Have Scars

I wanted to write about this yesterday, but with it being Thanksgiving, it would not have been a subject that is, in my mind, appropriate. I realize that one of the topics that I have dealt with on this blog has been fate. Another topic has been forgiveness and those who have the power to do it. Clearly, I have my views on the subject matter and I do not expect everyone to agree with me. One person who does not agree with me on subject of forgiveness has been my father.

We can have long discussions on this topic and will end up agreeing to disagree. As everyone knows I believe you need to forgive people (and yourself) in order to move on with anything in your life. To me, it is about the ability to let go of the past. A good friend of mine quoted me a poem, so will still this quote from her: Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. I am one to truly believe that there are things that you need to just let go of.
While having this debate with my dad, he brought up something interesting that I had not really thought about (he tends to do that). When bad things happen to people weather it is physically or emotionally, these “things” tend to leave it’s mark. We all have scars on our bodies and on our hearts. The thing about physical scars is that those heal after time, but yet you can still see them and will always be reminded of how you got them. Emotional scars tend to work the same way. While you may not see them, they will always be there and will never be forgetton…but they do heal.
My dad is not one to believe that time heals old wounds and I wonder if he thinks people can change (I will have to ask him). He told me that he has been burned more times than he cares to remember and will never put himself in a situation where we will be burned again. I will say that my father is a good guy who has constantly given people the benefit of the doubt. However, too many people have taken advantage of that and he has become less trusting of people in general. Of course, it is only worse when family is a part of that equation. So, forgiveness is pointless in many cases to him. If you had the nerve to burn him once (and is some cases twice), he will never allow you to do that again. He has been scarred and will never forget that.
I look at things a little differently. I have a few scars on my body. I know how I got all of them, most of which I got because I was being careless. While I remember them, they do not effect me; I just know that I was young and stupid. My physical scars do not prevent me for taking risks however, I am not trying to get anymore scars so I know to be careful with any activity. One thing that I can say about all my scars was that I allowed them to heal. I rarely picked at them because it would only make things worse when it comes to the healing process.
With that being said, my emotional scars are a lot to bear. I have scars from childhood through high school. Those scares have effected me and yet, has given me the strength to be what I am now. I also have scars for the careless things I have done to myself and other people. What I have found is the forgiveness has helped me heal those wounds. Forgiving someone does not mean you are giving them a pass to scar you again, it just stops us from picking at old wounds.
Let me inject a little fate here. Everything and everyone has a purpose in our lives. Getting scarred by others is a part of life. We learn from them. Sometimes the people who scar us are the most are the ones we love the most. Those scars make us the people we are and since we never know what the future holds, we never know if a scar we received in the past was meant to happen in order for us to be strong in the future. I think we all need to be hurt so that we know how to love. I am referring to the story of the perfect heart.
Ever time I read that story I think about how we all have to fail before we can succeed. None of us are prefect and we really should not expect perfection from anyone else. The number one answer has always been to cut off those people who hurt us but, does that really solve the problem or does the put a bad aid on the wound? There are people and situations that we need to face and things that need to resolved because in reality, emotional scars are very hard to heal without a resolution of some kind.
We all have those people that we will never speak to again. I have a couple of people who are on that list. It is hard to forgive people. I know that. But, holding on to things from the past makes it difficult to move on. We are not in control of the future. So once again, let go of the wheel...

Monday Musing in NYC

5 days ago. That was the last time I have posted something on here. I have quietly promised myself that I would write an entry every day this week while I am in New York. Believe it or not I have a lot of time on my hands because it turns out that my aunt’s house is being renovated. The living room, in particular, is being turned redone so in basic terms: I have no TV. Which is ok, I can deal.

I brought down my notebook so that I can write any poems that seem to come to mind more often than ever these days. I normally write them down on paper before I type them on here. But, in either case, I have some reflections to do regardless. Unless, my emotions pull me in a certain direction, I think I will focus on family this week. I think this will be sorta like a “dry run” for Christmas and a precursor to my eventual move in 2010.
People have been asking me what am I doing for Thanksgiving and I would answer that with the usual, “I don’t know.” However, I think that deep inside me I already know that I am going to see my mother. At this point, it only makes sense. I just don’t know exactly what I am going to do yet, but I am sure I will figure it out.
As I write this, I already have another poem swirling in my head. I realize that I am becoming a person that I didn’t foresee myself being. I feel kinetic in a sense. I get emotions and feelings built up inside of me and I feel the need to pour it on paper. I wonder why I could not do this before, but it seems to happen quite often now. So I am very glad I brought down my book. I just feel that my poems are too short, but at the same time I am not trying to write the Iliad or the Odyssey.
The job search is proving to be tough. Most of the positions that I see I am over qualified for. I could be the boss. But, I am not discouraged. I know that something will come up. I feel that I have people looking out for me as well. I will also be real and say that I have only put my foot in the water. I have not dove all the way in yet. I wanted to test the waters and see what is out there. I do have a plan to be very aggressive starting January 1. I have applied to a few places and we will see what happens. Gotta let Fate take the wheel.

The Final Word on Fate?

I have a friend that will always say to me “Jesus take the wheel”. This is a general expression that she says to express that we are no longer in the driver seat in certain situations. Control becomes absolutely pointless in the face of adversity and stress (i.e. drama). We are not in control of many of things that happen in our lives. We are not in control of our future. We are not in control of thoughts of other people and (I will just throw this in for good measure) we are not in control of the system of oppression that society has on us.

This where fate comes in. I will easily preach that everything happens for a reason and everyone has a role to play in our lives. The issue becomes we do not know the grand scheme of things. So for what we do not know is left up to chance or in better terms, it is left to fate.

How did I come with this? Yes, I know that several times this year, I have stated that I do not believe in fate. That everything is about choice and our choices lead to the doors of opportunity to be open so that we can make decisions on our lives. But, more and more, in the back of my head i was hearing this question of, “what about the things we cannot control”.

Let me be honest here. I was a big believer in fate a long time ago. But due to how messed up things have become over the past several years, I began to think differently. To be even more honest, the idea of fate scares me. I feel that I have lost control of my life a long time ago and not being the one in the driver’s seat is not a comfortable feeling.

It wasn’t until I really started doing my job search that I realized that I need “Jesus to take the wheel”. While I control the things I do and where I apply, I am not in control of the outcome. I thought about this fact last night and I realized that I am going to end up exactly where I need to be in time. It hit me like a brick wall…fate. I am certainly not saying that I will land the perfect job because it was “demanded by the gods” but I will say that perhaps I have to realize I have a destiny.

The problem I truly I have with fate is when it comes to love. Relationships are hard enough as it is. I believe that while we really do not choose who we fall in love with, we do choose what to do with our feelings and that is when things get messy. What I constantly have to remind myself is that anything is possible in life. Perhaps I have to view love and relationships like a job application process. I will put in my resume in for various opportunities and wait for a reply. If I get no response then I need to move on, all in hopes that the right opportunity comes my way.

I think the above metaphor works to an extent because with jobs there is no emotion spent on one application and this because job searching is all based on chance. Sure, you can have a good resume and say all the right things in a cover letter, but one has to stand out. Much of this is not in our control thus the say, if it was meant to be…it will be.

So, is this my final word on fate? I am not sure. I would like to think it is. I may still talk about in general terms. However, I am a Gemini and I fluctuate my thoughts and opinions based on my experiences. Right now, I am just letting go of the wheel and letting fate take control.

Ever Changing Definition of Love

This is something I have been wrestling with all week. I have been reading my past blog entries to gain some inspiration for my next blog topic and I started thinking about just how far my thought process has gone when it come to the definition of love. I think everyone has their view on it and most times it is never the same. I am not even sure that many of us even think about their own personal view on love. When I was younger I just thought it is something that just happens to you.

As I have gotten older, I do see that love is much more complicated than just it just happening. I can easily be a person that says that love stinks but that would be crass and not true. But, I can say that love is something that I simply have not had much luck with. Of course, in saying that, I do realize that I have had my faults when it comes to make things work when it come to relationships. I certainly do not want to come across as a man that thinks I am not at any fault for my own failures with love.

Let me point out that I thinking out loud here. I am not sure I even have a clear definition of love. At one point, I could tell you that love is something that you feel and then from there who knows what happens. I want to say that love is something that is shared, but there are often situations that it is not. However, I am starting to think that love is something that a person has and they choose to share with special people in their lives.

Of course there are different versions of love but it all comes from one place, the heart. I think about the numerous amount of times that I have had my heart broken…and I am not even talking about women that I have been in love with. A perfect example would be last night. I was speaking my 10 year niece (she is really Josie’s niece). She wanted to know if I was moving far way because of my divorce. I told her that I was moving but not too far away so that she could not see me. I knew she was sad because she really thinking that she may not see me again. Thus my heart breaks ever so slowly.

I guess the real reason for questioning my own definition of love is because I am the type of person who tends to follow my heart. As much as I can over think things and analyze them to death, it all comes down to following my heart, right or wrong. While I am not sure if that is the best thing to do, it is what it is. There are times in which I feel pretty confident about life and then there are times in which I just feel defeated. Nevertheless, I do know that anything is possible so it just really depends on the day with me.

What really throws me for a loop is the close relationship that love and fate have. I have said many times on this blog that I do not believe in fate. I do not think that there is a universal script that says we will end up exactly where we need to be no matter what. I would like to believe in choice. I believe that we choose our path. We decide what is the best course of action is on any given day thus our lives end up the way they do based on our own actions. I think this is a wonderful argument against fate and destiny….except for the fact that I am not sure we choose who to fall in love with…

See, again, sometimes it just happens. We can deny it if we want, but I am not entirely sure we can help who we fall for. So what does that mean? If we do not willingly choose who we love (because we certainly do not choose our family either) then what is that? Fate? Destiny? You can see how this troubles me. It is bad enough that I feel that I lack control of most of my life and I cannot control what I dream. So what does all this mean?

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people tell me that they have no idea why they fell in love with a certain person. Then there are those people I see who are in denial of actually being in love. So then does that mean that saying “You don’t choose love, love chooses you” is true? Hell, if that is the case then I need to seriously need to evaluate my view on fate. But, let me be very clear here. I used to believe in fate. I used to be believe in destiny. But, over the last few years I have become very rigid in my view of these things. I have lost faith.

I lost faith in so many things and that has effected me. I did not realize this until about a week ago and I am not talking about religion. I am talking about faith in my myself and in my view of the world. I over think things because I have failed so much that I am afraid to fail again, while fully knowing that failure is the only true path to success. I want to be confident that things will go well. I know many people think it is silly of me to feel this way because they see me as a guy who has so many things going for him.

My definition of love is ever changing right now. I am not sure what it is. But I am sure of what it isn’t. I guess I may just have to let go of the wheel and let fate decide…

Everything Happens For a Reason

As I prepare to run 4 miles today, something I haven’t done in more than a week, I wanted to get this entry out so that I can clear my head. One of the things that I have come to believe in, is the notion that everything happens for a reason. Everyone has their own theories on life, but this one seems to be the one that works for me.

I want to preface everything I say here by stating that as awesome as all this may sound, I have serious trouble following my own advice. Part of having a positive attitude about things requires a sense that you or I believe that down the road, everything will be ok. I do remember having this feeling earlier in my life that no matter what, things will just work out in the end because they just always did. It was this type of thought process that leads many people to think that I was carefree.

The problem becomes dealing with unforeseen issues in our lives. I know for me, the last 3-4 years of my life was just a roller coaster of things that I was just not prepared for. Yet for some reason I always felt that things will work themselves out. All this changed over the last several months. The life that I once knew has been slowly fading away and I am forced to create a new one. I am not so sure that things will always work out.

What I am sure of is that everyone in my life at this moment, serves a purpose. I am able to get motivation from people that I have either met on twitter or people that have been in my life for years. We all have a role to play. I am not talking destiny by any means. Destiny is just another form of thought that some people have on weather we are destined to do or become something. I wont say that I believe that, but I will say that there are things that happen in our lives that lead us in certain directions.

I also want to be clear in saying that I do not believe in Fate either. I think we lead our own lives and we end up where we end up based on the choices we make in life. I do not believe that you cannot just sit around shit will just happen for you. We are granted Free Will so that we can choose what happens to us. I just think that our choices are part of the fabric of life that interconnect with everything else.

I am not sure I would be where I am right now had my parents stayed together. I am not sure where I would be had I not been married. I am not sure where I would be if I didn’t have the friends I have to talk to me about my problems. What I do know is that everything happens for a reason. I may never know those reasons right now but they might be revealed in the future.