Category: reflections

Afro Latino, divorce, fate, my life, reflections, running

Year One


“I’ve been travelin’ on this road too long, Just trying to find my way back home. The old me is dead and gone dead and gone” Dead & Gone – T.I. Featuring Justin Timberlake

As I sit here in NYC again, I almost find it hard to believe that it has been exactly one year since I started this blog. Last year at this time, I knew that my life was about to under go a drastic change. The writing on the wall was pretty clear in terms of my marriage and I just needed an outlet. I needed something to get my mind off of all the things that were around me. So I started to write.

I wrote every day for 101 days. I spoke about anything that came to mind as if I never had a chance to have my voice be heard before. My original plan was to give a voice to Afro Latinos. I wanted to write a blog from that point of view. Perhaps give people what they have been missing.

As I spat out blog post after blog post, it became harder and harder to find a topic. Once that started happening, writing became less fun for me. I felt almost superficial in what I was saying. I looked at my blog and felt like a hypocrite. “Inside My Head” sort of became a joke to me because I wasn’t really writing about what I was feeling. I contemplated just quitting the blog all together.

Once May rolled around, I decided to just let it all out. I wanted to really face everything head on and take my readers with me on this journey. I was a little fearful that people may not read as much because I was getting personal and I was writing less. However, I noticed that my writing was getting better and in the same regard I was actually feeling a release of energy with every blog entry.

The blog began to really help me mentally. But those changes were really not going to be complete if I really did not start running. I can say that I must have thought of a great deal of blogs when I was on the treadmill. It is rare that someone has a change to change mentally and physically at the same time…and I seem to still be losing weight.

There were times in which I really felt that I was arguing with myself. Several blogs about fate and destiny have lead me to a different conclusion about my life than when I first started. The rest…well it just seemed to be about love or a variation of it. I wanted have this blog to pave the way for me to gain self redemption. I have made many mistakes in my life that I have paid dearly for and at times continue to pay for. My journey, through this blog, has and continues to help me look in the mirror.

Which bring me to what seems to be my new passion on the blog, my poetry. Please do not ask me where this came from because I do not even know. There are times when I have an idea and I need to write it down. Most times it comes out as a finished poem that I simply retype on to the blog. In the late summer, I felt a real need to find a different and more creative way to let what I was feeling out…without just saying it. The poem about Rocky was supposed to be poem that I just wrote and nothing more. But, as time passed, I just felt the need to just write more. When you are an emotional writer like I am, it is almost like a drug to get write every raw emotion down.

I have scanned my poetry. Someone indeed gave me a journal for Christmas and I am using that journal for strictly poems. I know that I have written most my poems out of stress and sadness. However, I do have some love poetry that I am not entirely sure I want to post. I will have to think about that.

So, for your viewing pleasure (and mine too), I am listing what I believe to be my top 10 blog of this past year. Maybe you will get a chance to read some if you have not done so already:

I am looking forward to Year 2 of this blog. I still think I have plenty to say and I just hope that you will all continue to walk along side me in my journey.

“I turn my head to the east, I dont see nobody by my side, I turn my head to the west still nobody in sight. So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride. The old me is dead and gone,the new me will be alright”

love, marriage, New Year, reflections, relationships, self redemption, single life

Being Single


There is something to be said for what happens when you are single and what happens when you are married. I think for most people, they spend their single years either trying to get into a relationship…and when they finally get into one, they think about how great it was to be single. I find myself smiling at many students who tell me how bad their relationship problems are. It is hard to convince many of them that their current boyfriend or girlfriend is just a phase in which they have to go through.

I have made this point before that as a society we expect 18 years old kids to make a decision on their lives starting with picking a major they may not like by the time they graduate. Why is that any different when it comes to love? Love is just like any other subject in school, you have to be educated in it. Sometimes you pass and sometimes you fail, but in each case you learn.

The real problem that I have learned is that when I was single, I was not in the mindset that I need to better myself. Many times the thought process is to maintain a job and to date as many women as possible. Keep in mind, that when I was 25, I did things that I would never do when I am 35. In general, our thought process changes.

I can see how single people in general are afraid to get married. However, marriage is not bad. The problem is that no one ever tells us what marriage is about. I know that sounds strange but, it is very true. The only reference is what we see on TV. Of course their are books about how things should be, but I am a firm believer that we shape what our relationships should be. Society should never dictate anything to us.

I was talking to a fellow writer over the break about true love and marriage. She was amazed about how arranged marriages always seem to work out. Her belief is that love is learned and developed through growing and learning together. That means to me that as single people, we are too busy “trying to get it in” to try to really learn anything. Of course the love learning process is not just a two way thing. Learning to love someone also means you have to learn to love yourself. This is where I think we all get screwed. We think that we can make someone fill that lack of love for ourselves and replace it with theirs…

I have learned that being single means I need to take that time to fix me. I should have done that in my twenties but I was too stupid to even realize it. Being single means means I have to take care of myself. I need to maintain my health and I need to really set my life in order. Not to say that I could not do this when I was married, but what really happens is that when anyone of us gets into a long relationship, we get too comfortable. I got complacent. I let myself go.

On thing that people do not say about marriage is the fact that people no longer feel the need to impress their partner. It just happens. The once tight haircuts do not happen as often. The lack of exercise becomes apparent and before you know it you have let yourself go because the mind set is…there is no one to impress. Granted this is a bad way of thinking, but is it the truth.

So the being single should be about finding the path to our true selves. A relationship should not define us, we need to define our relationships. Marriage is not for everyone and perhaps I was not ready and I can admit that now, but the learning of who I am in the process is something that cannot be replaced or even duplicated.

Being single should be about falling in love. Some people fight this notion because love is a scary thing indeed. What makes us human is the ability to feel. Love is our key to happiness. No one can achieve happiness without love. People are not ready to trust or even to be honest. Some cannot be themselves because love is so hard to deal with. However, I am not talking about love for another person. I am talking about love for self.

I intend on falling in love very hard this year…with myself. (I hope I am ready)

expectations, family, New Year, reflections

Expectations… (Happy New Year)


“Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.” – Brian Tracy


There is one final thing that I feel I need to adjust in my life. That would be expectations. I know that what I have come to expect of people over the last year and maybe even over the last decade has been to treat me with the same regard and reverence as I treat them. I have come to realize that this is an unrealistic expectation. I may be expecting too much of people.

Perhaps I am expecting too much of myself to think that having faith in people is the best way to go. Now, don’t get what I am saying wrong. I am not becoming this anti social person that would rather be alone. The point I am trying to convey is that trust in people is something that needs to be earned and not given out freely. I think I have done that once too often.

On the other hand, I think that I have come to expect less of family than I really should. Because of my issues, I have come to expect the worse out of people that I am related to. My experiences has always led me to put up a wall when it comes to members of mi familia. There is something twisted about the fact that I may be able to trust or have faith in those who are not related to me rather than trust blood relatives.
My expectations of people simply need to change. Not everyone will have my true intentions at heart. 2010 will be a big year for me in terms of family and it is time that I start thinking about things differently. So far during this vacation, I have been very surprised about how family have dealt with me and my current situation. Where are I thought there would be judgment, there was acceptance. I realized that I should not be surprised when family accepts me.
When it comes down to it, I have to look out for myself now. I have some pretty awesome people in my life but I cannot expect things from anyone. I need to continue to pull myself up when things get rough. I would be lying if I said that I was not scared about what tomorrow will bring. Once I get back to Syracuse, my life becomes real again. There are certain actions and choices that need to taken and made. I am very scared, but it is time to man up.
Not only will it be a new year, but it is a start of a new decade. I plan on starting it with hope. I am throwing all my expectations out the window accept for one. I expect from myself to be a better man. I have my goals in place for 2010. I will be as aggressive as I need to be in order to meet my own expectation. Would I like help? Sure. Do I expect it? No. The only thing I need is for people to have enough faith in me as I have in myself.
Happy New Year!
Blogging, my life, New Year, reflections, social networking

Reflections of 200 blogs…


I have to give myself some credit here. I am not the type to toot my own horn, but as I look at the numbers, this is my 200th blog entry of the year. I cannot even count anything I have done 200 times in my life, much less what I may have done in one year. Being the type of person I am, I usually get bored with things that happen in repetition, so the ability to keep writing about something new impresses me.

I do continue to reflect on the past year as much as anyone else does and I have taken some time and effort to look back at some of my past blog entries. I have edited them for spelling mistakes and grammar. I would like to take this time to apologize for all of those mistakes because I do try my best to make my blog legible. Some people have told me I need an editor, but since I do not get paid to do this neither would the editor.

My thanks goes out to all those people who have supported me in my efforts. Those people who have been there during my darkest days and have heard my darkest thoughts. I feel that I have bared parts of my soul on here which has allowed most you to really see what is going on inside my head. While I have not written about every last detail of my life, I think I have shown enough for people to get an idea of where my life is headed. If my poetry is any indication of what is going on with me, then you will know that 2010 will indeed be another bumpy year. Of course I am not saying that is a bad thing.

I am really not sure that I will make 200 posts next year. I attribute all this writing to the beginning of the year when I was writing about superficial things. Now that I have found my niche, I will try to focus on the changes that I need to make for myself. There is no secret that I write better when I am emotional or even when I am in pain. In my opinion, that is when I really begin to throw some words together to match the thoughts I have running around.

I also know that I will be more aggressive with my life. I will get back to the running that I so fell in love with over the summer. I need to find that job so I can move out of Syracuse. My upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic is going to be something that will effect me. I know that there will a reconnect with family that I am eagerly awaiting. I am anticipating a rough year and I am willing to roll with it.

I plan on being more private with my social networking. As of the new year, I will be make my twitter private. I am not sure how long that will be, but it will be for as long as it has to be. I have already set my Facebook privacy settings where I think they need to be. Myspace will be done and gone (who really uses it?). I am not sure about this blog in terms of privacy, but I think that I will figure something out. I do intend on keeping up with writing because…that is what I do.

Many people ask me about my love life. Well, I intend of keeping that as private as possible. Some people will make assumptions and some people will talk about whatever they need to. This is area in my life that I have made huge mistakes in. All I can say is that I intend on just being me. I will clean up what I need do and I will be as honest as I possibly can. I am done with much of drama that is my life and will attempt to remain as positive as possible. Everything happens for a reason.

The image above is snapshot of my year in statues on Facebook. It is an accurate depiction of some of the things I have been thinking. I want to thank all you for being there for me and for commenting. I do read all comments and I welcome any feedback. Cheers!

lessons learned, my life, New Year, reflections

Lessons Learned 3.0


I have done this list 2 times before in other versions of what was once a blog of mine. I decided to do this again. Every Year we should be looking back at some events in our lives to see what we learn from going into the next year. Some of this is parody and some it of is not. So here are the lessons I have learned:

Gmail is awesome…
..so is blogging
Poetry is spontaneous, always carry a pen & paper
People do not get married to get a divorce
Micheal Jackson is irreplaceable
Driving from Florida to Syracuse is one day is possible
Virginia Highways suck…
…Pennsylvania is worse
Giving up soda is a big reason for the weight loss
Running is the most cathartic exercise
It is indeed possible to work 24 hours straight
People lie to themselves all the time
Mi Tia is every but as funny as my dad
Water is the drink from heaven
Syracuse cold toughens you up for any other NY cold there is
LATISM is a force to deal with
Forgive yourself first people, before you forgive others
Lady Gaga is for real
Muse is an awesome band
Alicia Keys…that is all.
Women are ruthless
Men are stupid
Love is complicated
Some people cant take a hint
Starbucks is $5 crack with non fat milk
The iPhone is best phone ever (hush to the BBM users)
I need a Mac
Everything happens for a reason
I miss NYC
The truth will always come out
Every story has 3 versions
Anything is possible
I need to write a book
Twitter saved my life…
Karma is a bitch

poetry, reflections

I Need New Memories


Another poem that I just wrote. I want to preface this by saying that I am still in a reflection phase. This was a rough year and I learning to deal with it through poetry. This is not meant to be depressing particularly on Christmas, but not everyone can be in a festive mood during the holidays.

I need to make new memories
ones that include smiling
and actual happiness
memories that can be
talked about pain free
without judgement
ever look at someone else’s life?
wish that you could have done
things like that or
could have thought about having
the time of your life
New memories the will include
things never done before with
people never seen before
in a place never been
Old memories can be held on to
like weights tied to ankles
at the bottom of an ocean
where the water is clear
and the coral reefs are in sight
a beautiful backdrop filled with
memories that swim around like fish
but get harder to look at
when the realization
of suffocation
takes hold
This beautiful surrounding cannot hide
that old memories can kill
the once strong and the newly weak
if they hold on too long
to the anchors of the past
New memories will help me
see clearly and understand
that life can be what is seen
in books and on film
or perhaps dreams
can come true if you wish
upon a star?
but how far
am I willing to go
or do I need 35 candles to blow
or do I need to go
to a place where there is no snow
or maybe
just maybe
I will be able to cut the ropes
before my ankles bleed
before the fish feed
before I begin to drown
before I go further down
in the ocean that is my own past
I need new memories to have some air to gasp

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas, forgiveness, mi tia, my life, reflections

Christmas is Forgiving (or is it for giving)


Talking to family can be an enlightening experience if you really listen to what they have to say. I spent most of the day yesterday with my aunt and she has a way of being very blunt with what she says. Mi Tia Terry is very much like my father. There is no sugar coating anything and she says what comes to mind when it comes to her mind.

We spent the afternoon together. I am walking with her on the streets of Mt. Vernon. She is doing her errands and I came along. I bought her lunch and we just talked. The subject of Christmas came up. The one thing I know is that most older people do not view Christmas as this joyous event like some of us do. As a matter of fact, I am not sure the last time I felt in the Holiday Spirit. She asked me if I thought Christmas was for kids.
I had to really ponder this. I really do not believe that Christmas is just for kids. While I think that we are trained to buy big gifts for children, the holiday season is much more that. Sure I can go into how we need to think about those who are less fortunate than us because we should be thinking about that all the time. As I am explaining this to her, she just says: “Christmas is for giving”. It made me stop for a moment. What I heard was, “Christmas is Forgiving”.
I am not sure why that struck a chord with me. I know that I have been reflecting on so much that has happened this year. Forgiveness has always been on my mind. Not just the forgiveness of others but the forgiveness of myself. I also know that my aunt has other demons that she is dealing with. Family is never easy thing to handle and sometimes people rather go their separate ways than to maintain the family bond. While people take sides, no one ever realizes what that type of situation does to individual members of a family.
Maybe Christmas is Forgiving. The whole idea of this holiday was to think about and celebrate the birth of Christ. The one big lesson that he has tried to instill was the that we need to have that power to forgive. I think that people confuse forgiving with forgetting or perhaps in order to forgive you need to forget. I highly doubt that anyone of us can ever forget something that someone has been done to us.
I dunno. I am no prophet. I am no angel. I have done things that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. But, I can say that the holidays seem to give us all this power to do things we would not normally do. We begin to miss those that have been absent from our lives….and even if you missed them before, you miss them more because, it is Christmas. The only bad thing about this holiday season is that is has to end. When January 1st rolls around and all the cocquito has been drank, we all return to the norm. We begin to remember our divisions.
The holidays are tough on many of us. It makes those who are lonely feel even more alone. So Christmas is very much for giving too. Time is a gift that is cheap and comes back to us. I will try to spend this holiday with as much family as I can. I will try to laugh as hard and eat as much (only run it off later) as I can.
Mi Tia is very wise and while I know that what she was talking about one thing, I took it to mean something else. I told myself that I will make sure that she is not alone this holiday and thus, I will not be alone.
my life, reflections

Reflections of 2009


I know many people will talk about how fast this year has gone by. That is not the case with me. I think this year has gonna pretty slow. As I go reflect on this past year, I realize that we all think we know what life is supposed to be about. We all think that life is supposed to be certain way based on what society wants. Many times we do things that society believes to be right, but often times does not feel right ourselves.

I want to say that I feel that I am in a better place then I was when I in March. While, my life continues to be a series of roller coasters and challenges, I am doing my best to become the person I know I can be. I think that I have done my best to convey the emotional issues that I have had. I also think I have been very clear that I am not a victim of circumstance. This past year, the failure of my marriage was something I did not take lightly.
The current journey I am on has taken me to places I did not know existed in my mind. I have come to realize that I am a lot more emotional than I realized. I fight my emotions like most men do because I was brought up to believe that only women are supposed to be emotional. The only thing that was ok for a guy to do is be angry for whatever reason. Which is, in my opinion, when I get mad it is not a pretty sight.
I have also learned to deal with fear. Something along the way, clicked in my head that allowed me to deal with all my fears. I have quite a few of them. However, I cannot let my fear stop me from living my life. I think that fear is the number 1 reason people stop themselves from doing anything. I also think that fear makes us do things we ultimately do not want to do. I have heard the phrase that “Love makes us do dumb things”, well fear makes us do incredibly stupid things. Facing fears is something that I have done this year and will continue to do next year.
I will continue to say that everyone in our lives serve a purpose. I consider myself lucky that I have met some pretty incredible people this year. I have reconnected with others as well that have made my journey less difficult. People can pop in and out life and that is the way things are. That does not means that the experiences from those brief encounters did not mean a thing. We all intersect in each other’s lives in one way shape or from. So our presences in other’s lives also means something to other people.
This year also seemed to be the year that many people I knew were either going through a break up or having a rough patch in their relationships. While I am not going to say that this is a good thing but, misery enjoys company. When people who are going through similar things get together and talk, the conversation become beneficial for all in involved. That is is why I say that we all serve a purpose in each other’s lives.
Writing is something that has become very near and dear to me. It is one thing I can do that no one can take away from me. I know people will make fun of the spelling mistakes and tell me I should look into an editor but for the most part, I have gotten better. I will continue to get better. I know that my posting have slacked off. Many times is because I doing too much thinking and not enough writing. However, my urge to do poetry has made me see a different side to writing. I plan to do more of that in 2010.
Music has helped me along the way. I know I have not written about music as much as I would like because I am not trying to let this be a music fan page. I am not musically inclined but sometimes music speaks to me in ways that made me get through certain days. (that rhymes!)
My final reflection is that I am ok. Life has a funny way of making us pay for our mistakes, but it also has a way of picking us up and dusting us off. Some believe it is the power of God, others think it is the human will power. I think it is both. As I have mentioned this summer, I have found myself praying and I found myself having the will to not let anything get the best of me.
I think 2010 will be better…