my life – Page 2 – Anthony Otero

That Amazing Video

That video is kinda crazy. I say crazy because I guess I had no idea it would get as many views as it has. Of course, I’m not sure why because it IS the Huffington Post and I know that the amount of daily traffic they get must be off the charts to a low level blogger like myself. But when someone tells me that this video was played at a workshop about identity? Yeah, that is kinda crazy.

That video is kinda cool. It’s also pretty funny because I forget that I cannot go into these video shoots with any type of expectation. I was fully aware that I wasn’t the only one in it. In fact, I saw Dr. Marta Moreno-Vega walk out of her session when they were done taping. In fact, two of my fellow Syracuse Alums (Janel Martinez & Ghislaine Leon) were outside of the recording room with me talking how great it was to see each other on that snowy ass day. What is interesting is that we all must have spent 20-30 minutes in our sessions talking about what it’s like to be Afro Latinx. So for the final product to be slightly over 2 minutes was just perfect.

We filmed this on cold February day, the day after Valentine’s to be exact. I wondered how long it would take to produce a video with all of us and it wasn’t until I was in New Orleans in late March that I had an indication it was published. My phone blew up when I was sitting in a conference session I was attending. That is when I knew.

I saw the video for the first time on my phone in a hotel lobby. Headphones in. I was smiling. This, of course, would be the first view of many. I just never thought that I would have so many people tagging me on Facebook. Friends and family were one thing because those who support alway support, but to hear from people I haven’t spoken to in awhile saying they saw that video, took me by surprise.

Many people agreed with the message and cheered it. I never dared to look at comments (unless tagged) because I know better. Other people saw it as a chance to just say hi and catch up. It was a really great time for me. It meant a lot. I’m glad I did it beyond the fact that it means free advertising. lol

I just want to thank Melissa Montanez for bringing us together. Another Syracuse alum that believes in the work we do. So, I do hope that this video continues to get as many views as possible and inspires people to tell their story.

At the end of the day, no one can really define who we are except for ourselves.

my life, writing

Am I on a Break?

I may be in a bit of a lull creatively. I will preface this by saying that my second book is done and it could be that I just need to take a break. However, when I go through this, I scare myself because sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to say anymore and that leads to less blogs.

Of course, there are other things that are going on. My full time job has me busier than ever and since I love what I do, I make sure that I do my job well. My real job allows me to work late hours which is in my wheel house. If you know then you know that I work better later on in the day.

Also there is the fact that I’m traveling in a few weeks to New Orleans. This my yearly conference trip that took me to San Antonio last year and Orlando the year before that. I’m looking forward to adding this city to the growing list of cities that I’ve been visiting within the last 3 years. There is also some work for this that has tied up my time.

Truth be told, I’ve already come up with the basic premise for the third book. I already have a working title that I’m not ready to announce yet. There will be another time for that which will, of course, be accompanied by a blog post. With all my non writing, I’m still working in the background when it comes to things I’ve already written.

Despite all this, I’m not sure if what I feel is something remotely close to burn out. I’ve had some ideas about what my next Huffington Post blog will be but I just haven’t written it. I need to write a post for another site I’m a part of but I don’t know, I feel like I’ve been a little useless in terms of ideas unless it has to do with the novel or short story.

I have been trying to spend my time reading or listening to podcasts. I’m thinking that what I really need is to be inspired again to write blog posts. I know the hardest thing in this game is to be consistent and at one time I really was. But, I begin to wonder if it is too much.

With that being said, I think I need to start looking at writing prompts. I think I need to do more free writes. Before I think about being a in funk, I will go back to something that was told to me a few weeks ago (and I am paraphrasing), “Don’t beat yourself up for not writing enough blogs when your busy writing books.”

Good Advice, huh?

Friendship, my life, relationships

Navigating People

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This is the last week of this year and I find myself wrapping up somethings before the year closes. While, I haven’t laid out my goals for 2016 as of yet, I’m still very much thinking about them. I currently have more time to write some blogs and I wanted to free write.

It’s been an interesting year indeed. I could get into all of the societal and political trash that has occurred but this one is about me. This year has been a year where I had to really figure out my place when it come to people.

I feel like I navigate people everyday. I navigate my family, my friends, and co-workers. I also navigate my twitter peoples, blerds, fellow writers, and trolls. Through this, I makes me wonder what I actually do each day. How did I get where I am now with all this human navigation?

I feel that this year has put into perspective that most friendships are not as archetypal as we think. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, friendships can be fleeting. No matter how much navigation can be done, all relationships are more or less the same. People love each other and they trust each other until they don’t.

Life goes on and new relationships are made and voids are filled. We spend so much time thinking about how we ever had those voids in the first place. The navigation of nouns (persons, places, and things) continues like it never ended as it was a ripple in water only disturbed by a stone of a broken connection.

I think back to a passage from my own book (which I try not to quote myself due to this being a bit self serving):

Everyone in our lives is there for a reason, regardless of the length of time. No matter if they love us or hate us, no matter if they break our hearts or simply hold open the door. I really believe things happen for a reason. I can’t say I believe in fate, but rather I believe that we all play a role in each other’s lives. It’s up to us to decide what that role is.

Fleeting relationships is what life is about. If you have old friends cherish them.

my life

I’ve Grown Tired of Nouns

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It’s December already. 2015 is just about over and just like year’s past, I find myself reflecting. While I’ll leave the entirety of reflection for another post, I can’t help but think about my life and how so much has changed this year while putting in perspective where I fit in this crazy world. All I can say is this is the year where I’ve grown tired of nouns (people, places, or things).

How crazy has this year been for me? Well, I won’t get into the whirlwind of being an author because there really isn’t that much to say that hasn’t already been said. I understand my place as a writer. I understand that people will always be surprised that I wrote a book without them being entirely interested in reading it. That’s just the way of the world and it wont stop me from doing what I love to do.

Instead, I will just focus on how I came to fully understand how people are. I’ve learned that friends are not always the friends you thought they were and that strangers can have a bigger impact on your life than people who’ve known you for almost all your life. While I’m not sure how this is possible at times, I do know that we never truly understand our impact on people until that moment it’s pointed out to us.

I’ve come to relearn an old lesson about assumptions. “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” No matter how smart someone is, assumptions will always be their downfall. Of course, I don’t exclude myself from any of this either. As we get older we lead ourselves to believe we’re becoming smarter and wiser; that we know more about humans when actuality we’re just getting better at assuming the worst of people. This type of thinking is what has gotten me into lots of arguments this year.

However, I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned from all the fuckery of this year is that fact that perhaps I gave too many people space in my head. I gave too much thought to those who only wish negative things on other people. I’ve become familiar and quite comfortable with blocking people on social media. Whereas, in the past, I gave people room to voice a particular feeling that may’ve offend me. I now find myself being intolerant of such behaviors. For example, if you feel the need to tell me #BlackLivesMatter is bullshit and you have no real argument, then it’s time for you to get blocked. This usually goes for people who were once “friends” of mine. So I will not allow people to live rent free in my head or any where else for that matter. I consider that to be a way of letting go.

Which leads me to think about where I fit. I gotta say, I don’t really know. I’ve simply grown tired of nouns (people, places, or things). I’ve grown tired of people and their ignorance (i.e. lack of awareness to their privilege). I’ve grown tired of places that promote ignorance. I’ve grown tired of things that people swear they need when they really don’t. I feel like thinking this way puts me in a minority, which I’m quite OK with.

Not sure where this will put me in terms of next year, but what I do know is that I will be traveling more than I did this year, I do know that The Book of Isabel will come out, and I know that 2016 will provide me with new challenges.

Finally, I also know that no matter what happens, I will still be tired of nouns (people, places, or things).

harlem, moving, my life, Syracuse

The Move

I learned a long time ago that moving is a part of life. I’ve also come to the realization that when you reside in a apartment nothing is really permanent. Rents rise and neighborhoods change so the idea of moving like a nomad should not be new. Yet, there is something unsettling about packing up all your stuff and moving to another living situation.

I grew up living in a house in the Bronx and I never really thought about moving anywhere else. But life happens, parents split up and moving from apartment to apartment became normal. I returned to the very same house as a teenager and, again, never thought I would need to move until I was admitted to Syracuse. By the time I graduated, my stuff had been condensed to storage unit standards and being nomadic was a new way of life.

Eventually, I would go back to the BX where I would live in couple of places before I moved into my own apartment. It was my first true sign of adulthood and it was glorious. But that glory was short lived because after 9/11 I had to leave the city. I found a job back in SU and I was out. Once again, I had to move my life into a small apartment a few blocks away from the University.

When I finally bought a house in Syracuse I thought, this is it. This is the last place I will ever move to (I was lying to myself). All my comic books, video games, and things that you never want to move came with me. Not to mention that all my collection of junk tripled during my stay so imagine my joy in having to box all that shit up in a U-haul when I finally decided to come back home to NYC. But still, I spent a great deal of time living in one place that I grew comfortable in knowing that moving may not be a possibility.

However, when I moved to Washington Heights a few years ago, I knew that this wasn’t going to be my last residence. Perhaps it was the residential nomad that I’ve grown accustomed to being. Maybe there’s a sense that I can’t stay in one place too long. Perhaps there’s this nagging feeling in my heart after being through two divorces (my parents and my own) that nothing lasts forever.

After all, this is all just stuff. I cannot take this crap with me. There is no storage unit in the afterlife. This point was driven home to me last week when I was helping my mother sort through my late Aunt Clara’s stuff. It was nothing but bins and boxes. Is this the sum of our physical existence? At the end of it all when I’m gone someone will be looking through my comic book boxes?

Well, currently I find myself in Harlem. A new place of residence that will probably last for about a year and half depending on what happens with my better half. I’m excited about this area because it opens up some experiences. I can visit places I never been to and I recognize the opportunity to really embrace the culture that makes this place awesome.

Moving still sucks but I know that I will be doing it again soon.

my life, Novel

Bionic SIX! – My Blog is a Year Older.

If my blog was a person, she would be very upset with my that I forgot her birthday. The problem is that I’ve been a very busy person over the last several days. Although it is no excuse, I can say that people everyday celebrate a late birthday. In fact, you can count on me to write “Happy Belated Birthday” on you Facebook wall. However, the fact remains that my blog is now 6 years old.

I don’t want to go over the last six years but rather talk about the hope I have for the future. This blog has been my anchor. It’s been the place that I’ve expressed myself and offered space for others to do the same. It has also been a catalyst for my book, Hanging Upside Down. I’m no where close to being a marketing genius but I would like to think that I am working on being more that just a blogger.

That is the point of all of this right? To be honest, I’m no longer just a blogger. I can say that I’m an author. It’s like being promoted from Commander to Captain. I know, this isn’t Star Trek but if I were a Captain it would probably be of a small vessel no one has ever heard of on the edge of the neutral zone surveying plate-tectonics on a small M-Class world. Being an author is something to aspire to. I’m not sure what would really deem me a success but I do know that I am the master of my own destiny and in many ways that is what these past six years have meant, a gradual process that I was (sort of) in control of.

Now I’m posting book quotes every week and reminding people to buy my awesome book. This was far from what I saw myself doing last year and I’m ok with that. I think it will be really interesting to see what how this blog will evolve. Maybe it will become Bionic! (I had to connect the title to this blog. No one remembers Bionic 6?)

In any case, It is good to still be around and maybe I can provide a few surprises.

my life, Novel

The Hustle is Real.

In a way I was joking when I mentioned to someone that I was going to start selling my novel, Hanging Upside Down, out of the trunk of my car. I mean with how far technology has allegedly taken us, is there really a reason to have a stash of books with me all the time (sidenote: yes, I carry one copy at all times)? Then I think about the time I was on my way to work and I saw this guy selling his self-published book on the train. That is the definition of hustle, but could that really be me?

A few weeks ago, after my book signing at La Casa Azul, I found myself giggling because here I was with a box of books putting them in to the trunk of my mother’s car. I needed to store them somewhere temporarily since I was not about to carry that heavy ass box to dinner and then back home via taxi. But I knew they were there and as time began to pass and the need to sell more books increased, I knew I had to dip into the stash in the trunk of my mom’s car.

Make no mistake, being a salesman was never my strong suit. In a few past jobs and money making ventures, I had to try to sell something like a consumer good or a phone card (yep…back in the day-before cellphones, I tried to sell phone cards to people…) and it never worked because I didn’t believe in the product. They tell you that you need to do two things, believe in what you sell and always be closing.

The other issue I has back then was the fact that my self esteem was shot. I didn’t believe in myself because I didn’t love myself so imagine me trying to sell you anything. So I went through most of my young twenties not wanting to go into sales. Of course, as I got older I began to realize that we all have something to sell… ourselves. To be quite honest, we sell ourselves when we apply for jobs and go on interviews as such so, at some point, we need to be able to sell something.

So here I am with a product that may just be a culmination of a life’s goal and I’m still learning how to sell myself.

The hustle is real. I find myself doing a book giveaway, posting quotes on social media, having other people post pictures of my book, writing this blog, and doing book readings. However, I never had that “selling the book out of my trunk” feeling until last week. I announced that I would send people a signed copy of the novel if they were willing to send me money via paypal. I’ve come to not judge people at all when it comes to buying books and reading. I know they’re many people who just don’t read for leisure. So, imagine my surprise when I had more than a few takers of this offer.

The hustle is definitely real and while it’s not out of the trunk of my car, it is definitely out of the box in my apartment.

my life

Mixed Emotions

There are so many things going in the world and in my life right now that I have SO many mixed emotions that its getting to the point that I just don’t know how to feel on any given day. I know that I’m a versatile person that allows me to adapt to any situation in my life but lately things have been overwhelming. There is a multitude of feelings I can have a given day: anger, fear, joy, sorrow, excitement, and sentimentality. It is an interesting and frustrating mix because how do I deal with it all.

Anger. I’ve been angry everyday since the Michael Brown incident in Ferguson. I’m angry because police killings/brutality has become the norm. Watching the protests turn into riots with tear gas and bullets flying is ridiculous. We are watching history and seeing the way people react to all this is beyond interesting. I suppose I’m tired of showing people that we are not delusional. We don’t make up racial issues. The anger is there because I know all of this will not end well.

Excitement. I announced yesterday on social media that I have book signings in Syracuse on 9/20 and NYC on 10/8. I am traveling down a road that I have never experienced and it is exciting. When I started the novel last year events like these were not on my mind. I just wanted to contribute the literary world. The support that people have given me is tremendous and I’m not used to this. It is truly humbling.

Fear. I HAVE A BOOK SIGNING. This scares the shit out of me. I’m a chronic over-thinker so I think about too many things that are close to irrational. What if no one shows up? What if too many people show up? Do I have to read an excerpt from the book? What chapter? What if I’m late? <— This right here is my life. I’m so used to being behind the scenes at events that being the main event is abnormal. Yes, I have been a key note speaker before but it never gets easy for me. lol

Sorrow. There are many things that I just don’t share with people so I will keep this to a minimum. I have two family members with cancer and it weighs on me. It weighs on me more than I admit to people. I stay strong because as one of the youngest members of my families (paternal and maternal) I feel the need to be responsible so I can to make sure that family stays together.

Joy. I love my job. I cannot say it any clearer. I have found a place that values me as a person and values students. Granted I am about to make 2 years at Barnard College and maybe I’m still on a high but having the ability to be creative and to be myself is something that allows me to thrive.

Sentimentality. A few weeks ago the woman in my life has left to pursue her MBA at the Tepper Business School at Carnegie Mellon. It is incredibly awesome to be with a woman who is smarter than me. Our relationship is strong and we will continue to be together while sharing our success separately until she returns. Yet, I miss her and it becomes hard to focus because of it.

All this makes it hard for just to do what I need to everyday but, thankfully, I know how to take my emotions and transfer them into words.

Blogging, my life, Novel, writing

Dare

Writing a novel has been such a process of high’s and lows that, in a way, I would have to be a little nuts to want to do this again. Yet, that desire to continue on to another process and write until I can’t anymore has become something close to borderline obsession. Trust me when I say that I know what obsession is all about. The title and cover picture of this blog alone is based on my love for the Transformers Generation One.

Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986 and it still resonates with me because at its core there is a theme about never giving up. Sure, everything else about it is awesome from the fighting scenes to the voice actors and the amazing soundtrack. Which brings me to the title, Dare by Stan Bush. This is one of my favorite songs of the entire film. It works sequentially well with the action but the lyrics are just as powerful. Here is the chorus:

Dare, dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare, dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It’s time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare

Understand that I was 12 years old when this movie came out. While everyone else loves The Touch (and they should because it is iconic), I loved Dare because it spoke to me and as a matter of fact, it still speaks to me as a 40 year old. I understood then as I do now that I had to take matters into my own hands if I wanted to do something in my life and as simple that may sound, we all know doing it is extremely difficult.

I talk about fear a lot on this blog because fear can ~~stop~~ delay me from doing something. There was a time when fear stopped me from doing many things but I have learned to deal with this issue, however, it has made me think twice about myself and my novel. Not to be cliche-ish but it was time to take a stand. I knew that they only way to be successful is to take risks.

I mentioned obsession and proof of this can been seen on my Google+ account. I have been watching this movie on and off for the last two weeks. It was a huge deal in ’86 because no other animated film bases on a television series was this graphic and violent. I loved it because believe it or not it helped me deal with the concept of death and how to move past it. Why was that important? My grandmother died prior to me seeing this film.

I do remember no one wanting to take me to see this movie so I had go the Whitestone Multiplex in Bronx alone and witness this awesomeness. In many ways, I remained obsessed with the movie by waiting for it to come out on VHS and then years later, DVD. I remember buying the soundtrack on CD after I graduated college. I listen to it too much even to this day. I will mention that you may not want to watch the movie with me because I know all the words and will say them verbatim. I even reference it the novel.

Yes, I am obsessed but you know what? I dared to be this way. I dared to survive all my issues. The deaths, the divorces, the move, the disappointments, the rejections and I dared to write this novel. I’m sure in a few weeks I will stop watching Transformers and move to something like Star Wars, but I still dare to be great.

goals, maturity, men, money, my life

Getting it Together

Being an adult is hard. I’m thinking about this as someone types the exact same thing to me. It’s a general feeling that I’ve had for the past week. This probably has everything to do with the fact that I am now 40. I have all these preconceived notions of what 40 should be and I can say for sure that I am not there.

I have been evaluating my life to figure out exactly where I am. As a person who has lied to himself on several occasions during my 30’s, self evaluation has become critical to my ever growing development as a person and as a man. It’s not easy to really admit one’s faults but I’ve come to realize that is a young person’s game. At my current age I should have my shit together and its sad to say that I don’t.

I guess you can say that I’ve been “Faking the Funk” when it come to certain portions of my life. I think life can be divided into sections like work, love, family, and financial (to name a few). For the most part, the majority of my life is good and I can’t complain about much. I’m so fortunate to have people that care about me. I’m grateful for my friends, family, and a wonderful job. Yet the financial part of my life is in shambles.

This has nothing to do with whether or not I get paid enough. This has everything to do with a problem I have of ignoring my issues. I can’t even explain why I do it. I will only guess that there is a fear of numbers. I feel like I owe money to the world and it can be a little intimidating. Which is why, at 40, I’m starting to feel that I need to get my shit together. I need to stop pretending that these bills will magically go away because they wont. In short, I need to start acting like a grown up.

blog Maybe I had a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome where I would just fly around shit and just enjoy the things I wanted to do while ignoring the fact that the real world exists. I cannot do that anymore and for many men, that is the crux of the problem. We ignore shit thinking that perhaps things will go away. For many guys, it’s a doctor they avoid and for me it’s my finances (dentists are a close second…smh – don’t worry I have an appointment tomorrow). But, I realize I cannot do this anymore. Forty year olds are supposed to have all this figured out right?

Even if they don’t, I need to get my shit together. I sat down last week in a panic mode trying to figure out how to improve this part of my life because I know I can get out of this mess I created for myself. In order to do this, I need to improve all aspects of my life as well. I created some reminders that go off everyday on my phone such as, creating and checking my daily to-do lists, create an additional budget plan for debt management, going to bed early, and being on time. These are just small things that will lead to larger goal management since, clearly, what I was doing before was not working so I have to try new things. It is very easy for me to NOT do something and it gets easier to be complacent as I get older. So it is all about being intentional to do things outside of my comfort zone.

The sad part about this is that I know that I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I can be defensive and dismissive when people who care try to tell me about my bullshit, but in the end they are absolutely correct. I do need to get my shit together and it has to happen now. I have to start thinking about life as an older man and that requires the type of planning I wasn’t willing to do when I was in my thirties.