latinegro

Broken Trust

Funny how life works. Last night I spent much of my time asking myself why do I do the things I do? Why do I place trust in certain people? Am I a bad judge of character? I would like to think I am not. I would like to think I am a trustworthy person who has made a numerous amount of mistakes in which I can learn from. Yet, it seems that I am at a point in which I have to evaluate my relationships with people because quite frankly I do not know whom to trust in my short circle of “friends”.

Which makes me wonder if I in fact place my trust in the wrong people. I will sit here and tell you right now that I do not have many real friends. My trust in people does vary from person to person. While my life is an open book on this blog, I do not share every intimate detail of my life or my job. I keep many things private and as a matter of fact, people will tell me that their first impression of me is that I am a guarded individual.

I am very much a person who believes in give and take. However, due to my nature, I seem to give a lot more than I take. This does not mean I trust more it just means that I have no problem being a nice guy in general. I think it takes a lot for me to consider anyone a friend. I think it takes a process of several years in order to really know someone well enough. There are rare occasions when this process may be sped up due to chemistry. This is where you meet someone and you get along so great from the start.

What my problem seems to be is that I am a great listener. If anyone I know, has an issue or a problem I will listen. It comes to a point where I become the person that people come to. The great thing about me is that you can tell me anything and I wont repeat it because in about a week I will have forgotten it. I know that sounds funny, but most times it is true.

To prove that I have a hard time trusting people, I will use Facebook as am example. As things with my separation starting becoming final and the situation between my ex-wife and I become more tense, I felt I needed to draw back. So I took the times to sort the list of my friends into groups. I already have my facebook set up with security settings, which means the average person cannot access my page the way people I have “friended” can. Essentially, I took the people who I felt that were questionable in my mind or who seemed to have a decent friendship with her and put them in my partial access list. So they could only see what I want them to see. This upset certain people because they felt that I should be able to trust them more.

What it comes down to right now is the my trust in someone was recently broken. I am not happy about it and I feel I need to evaluate. I am not so sure that I trust as easy as other people think because I don’t like many people in general. However, I do have faith in the human spirit which leads me down a path that ends up with me thinking I can trust those who I ultimately cannot. So who knows? I am angry, sad, hurt and right now bitter all rolled up into one. I do not like proving people right when it comes to whom I associate myself with.

I am losing faith in people. I get myself in trouble because of this faith. I would love to think that people would not be stupid enough to do the things they do. The funny part is I talk to people about how dumb other people are in general as if I couldn’t possible know any dumb people. Maybe my faith in people makes me dumb. Perhaps I am the dumb person that I talk about.

I am not happy right now. People suck and looks like I need to stop trusting people which goes against who I am.

anger, emotions, my life

Anger

The one emotion that has really owns me is anger. I do not want to make it seem as if I turn green when I get mad, but I know I become irrational. The good thing about it is that it never lasts for very long and it does not happen often. If it does last longer than normal, then that would only mean that whatever situation that has caused it is pretty bad. I will say that for the most part I am in a great mood all the time. My moods will change based on the people around me.

I do not consider myself a terribly sensitive person for the most part. I think that I have a world of patience. I think that, for the most part, I can control my reactions. I choose not to say certain things because I know I have the power hurt someone with my words. Of course, the more I hold it in, the more you will see it in face.

There are several things that can set me off. If you know me very well then you would know what buttons to push. When you push those buttons then my patience almost counts for nothing. I will say that people that I do not know do not have that power to anger me as much. People in general can annoy me, but it normally stops at annoyance. There are two main things that will set me off depending on who does them and what situation we are talking about: my voice being stifled and being blown off.

My voice being stifled is a big thing for me. I noticed over the years that if I cannot share my opinions or my feelings then I get very frustrated. I have no problem being called out or being told that I am wrong but, not being able to voice myself or express my opinion is a problem. This is universal for me. This will bother me in a relationship, at work, or in life in general. I have gotten into fits of rage because I keep getting cut off in a conversation. I have gotten very angry when a decision is being made without my opinion. All I need from people is to just understand what it is I am saying. That is why I love this blog so much. This is my voice.

The thing about being blown off has a lot to do with feeling unimportant. I know that I have blown people off. I tend to do it more often than I am willing to admit. This becomes an instance of who does this to me. If I hold you in high regard and you blow me off, then anger will ensue. The reason this bothers me so much as very much to do with the fact that I am always there for the people I regard as true friends, lovers, and family. While, I think that sometimes we all have a tendency to blow off those people we love, I know I give a lot of myself to people. I do not always get that in return. So the real question is, when I get blown off, who am I really mad at?

Many of my close friends have always felt that I have anger issues. Not because I get angry often, but more because I get upset at stupid shit. I have always been the type of person that hates to lose. I know I am a sore loser and I am ok with that. I always strive hard to win the battles I can. I also know that I can be a jealous person. I never noticed it as much when I was a kid or a young adult, but I can be very territorial with my friends. Not to mention that I can be jealous when it comes to women. I am not a violent person, but I know that I have been tempted a few times to take a swing at some people and that is based on disrespect.

So where is all this coming from? Why am I angry at the things I am angry about? I think it is all about my childhood and my teen years. I think there are certain situations that happen to me as an adult that bring up past aggression. Most things I can deal with. I use sarcasm and humor to deflect most things but others are not that easy.

Without going too deep with my early life I can say that there are a few things that stick out. I was picked on as a kid. So, I have felt very helpless when I was younger. My brother is 7 years older than me so growing up was hard because he was always too old to want to be with this younger brother. Most times he was with girls who he seems to like more than me and of course this bothered me. I will not forger to mention that he was a natural athlete and beat me in everything we competed against. There was also the divorce of my parents that really shaped who I was as a teenager. I had to choose between parents and ultimately chose my dad. This upset my mother leading her to disown me. Our relationship has not been the same since.

With ease, I can pick out all the issues with what I just wrote. When I talk about fear, I know many of these same issues will come out. Abandonment, helplessness, and the feeling that I am not important or inadequate. These are things that I deal with as an adult. I believe I deal with all of these well. But, many times they just come out of nowhere.

I do not like being angry or upset. I feel that I do not think or talk clearly. I usually try to give myself a cooling off period. I have never felt the need to hit anyone, however, if you make me angry enough then I will feel the need to hit or throw something. I have broken many things and then feel like complete crap for doing it.

The good things is, I know this about myself and I have been able to just stop myself. I just thank god that I am not a unhappy person in general. So do not worry I am still the sweet guy you all know and love. 🙂

anger, assholes, emotions, love, my life, overthinking

Hiatus

With the exception of my post last Friday, I have been on a self imposed hiatus. There was no particular reason for other than to just think about my life and how I react to certain situations. I realize that I am a very emotional person. Funny thing is when I say the word “emotional” it gives me images of someone crying and that is not what I am trying to convey. However, being a highly emotional does mean an array of things, but more importantly my lack of control of them is what gets me in trouble.

I think it maybe time for me to look into the different emotions that I do carry around. I know that I have not explored them in length and as a man, I think I should. My hope is that by exploring certain aspect of my moods and behavior and I can try to find some answer to why I cannot seem to control my emotions when I need to.

I have found various ways to deal with them such as writing poems or exercising. These are activities that stimulate my mind and body enough to let me let go of anything I may be feeling. Sometimes those are not enough. I find myself shutting down when it gets to be too much and thus the hiatus.

Before you start wondering what may have happened, just know that nothing major or life threatening has take place to me or anyone I know. However, I am sensitive to the actions of others. I am very much conscience of my place in this world and my place in the lives of those who I care about. But, I think my problem is that I care too much.

One of my issues is that I have not acquired the ability to stop caring. I think that is something that I am going to need to learn quickly now that I am single again. Why? Because women love men that don’t give a shit (let’s be honest about that). Of course, this begins the argument that I have had with many women in the past that if I stop caring that would make me an asshole. Well, who do you think gets all the attention in the dating game? Do I have it in me not to care anymore? I think I need to find that out.

My other issue is something old. I over-think everything still. I want to say that I am not as bad as I used to be but, I think I do over-think things way too much. It is my opinion that over-thinking becomes fuel for emotion. It is also hard when I wear that emotion on my sleeve as evidence of what happened two weeks ago.

Over the the course of the next few weeks or how ever long it takes me, I will explore some basic emotions and how I deal or not deal with them. I want to be able to see what it is I could be doing better. Some of the things come to mind: Love, Anger, Sadness, Fear, Indifference, and Hope.

It is my sincere hope to discover somethings about myself. With that said, I just want to mention how much I love twitter. As I am writing this, I asked a question to my followers: For those who know me: Do you think I have the ability to stop caring anymore(i.e. become an a**hole)? The general consensus I have gotten so far is that I do not have that ability…interesting.

Latinos, Race/Ethnicity, US Census

Latinos & the Census: Race isn’t Real.

Oh, the Census. I always find this to be a good time to think about how race is viewed by the government. If you are simply white or black the US Census form is of no real issue. This is proof that we live within the black and white binary. Sure, if you are Asian, American Indian, or (my personal favorite) “Some other race”, you can pretty much fill out this form with no family discussion. With Latinos…not so much.

As I have been saying all along on this blog, most Latinos do not understand their origin. Of course they can tell you that they are either Puerto Rican, Cuban, or Mexican, but they will not all agree if they are black or white. Personally and with no surprise, I selected black. I mean, just look at me. I think I would be lying to myself if I put down anything else. But, some people with my skin tone will have a very hard time selecting black. So what to do? American Indian will not fit the so that would mean you have to write in “some other race”? Perhaps Caribbean Indian (for lack of a better term)?

Thus, one of the issues with Latinos: the fact that we as a people have to choose within the binary. I made a joke that if you make brown a selectable category, then a large part of Latinos will indeed check that off. This maybe a cop out but, there are many Latinos that will only put white because they do not feel they are black.

First, lets break this down. Race is nothing more than a social construct that was created to separate all people. We all feed into this with racial stereotypes. The process of counting people the way the Census does feeds into the idea of the black and white binary. Back in the day, when people filled out a census form, you could check off mulatto or negro. Last time I checked, these were not considered races. Yet, Latino is not considered a race, but an identity. So we can identify as Latino, but we can be black or white. To me this is crazy because we all know what white means in this country. Unless you are from Spain (and even then), most White Latinos do not feel as Euro-centric as what average white American is. The same applies with black in America. While black in this country is not Afro-centric, it is still not what Afro Latinos fall into in terms of culture.

So, race is not real. In the words of Clara E. Rodriguez who wrote, Changing Race: Latinos. The Census and the History of Ethnicity in the United States: “…‘race’ is not fixed, is imperfectly measured, is at variance with scientific principles, is often conflated with the concept of ‘ethnicity’, and is under increasing scientific criticism and popular interrogation.” The idea that race is ever changing brings a new concept to how race is socially constructed. Rodriguez suggests that because traditionally oppressed groups of people are able to claim or in some cases reclaim their ancestral identity and change their race into more of a political identity that the idea of race is ever changing. Because the ancestry of Latinos are so widespread in the amount of countries groups of people are from, certain groups within the Latino/Hispanic category have had the ability to take on a political identity, such as Chicano or Nuyerican.

If know you anything about science, then you will know that there are no such thing as multiple races. There is only one race: the human race. So everything is just a popularity contest. The questions on these forms makes very little sense to Latinos because we are what we are.

Big East Tournament, heart, Syracuse University

I Wear It On My Sleeve

Today seemed like it would have been a great day. Even though I got up 15 minutes later than I wanted to. I was still able to take a nice shower and walk to the Metro North station in Pelham in time to catch my train. I was a beautiful day in my standards. I didn’t need the usual hat nor glove that I rock in Syracuse because New York City weather is usually better.

I got off at Grand Central Station. Walked through Times Square. Stopped by Starbucks to get my daily liquid crack and then I proceeded to Madison Square Garden for the Big East Tournament. You have to understand, after last year, I had to go. I just had to root for the Syracuse Orange. I get my tickets from will call and I head to my seat. Then it happened. We Lost.

I am quite sure if anyone of you were to go to a game with me, either a Met game or a Syracuse game, you will be entertained. I am no the type to erupt with vulgarity (at least, when I sober), but you will definitely know that win or lose, I wear my heart and loyalty on my sleeve.

I want to mention the fact there were a lot of orange in the crown at MSG today. So I wasn’t alone in my disappointment. What made today interesting was the fact SU are favorites to win the National title which is something I am not used to. I am used to teams that are underdogs. So, being that SU has been playing so well, I have been a bit of an asshole. I am quite ok with this. However, I try not to duel with other fans because I would rather concentrate on the game.

Needless to say, as the seconds began to roll off the clock, anyone who wasn’t an SU fan stood up and cheered Georgetown. I think we have become hated. I love it! Although, I slowly began to despise the old man sitting next to me because it was like he know exactly the strategy to be Syracuse….whatever.

So, yes I was mad all day. You can tell in my scowl. I walked the streets pretty mad and some people in Times Square would say to me: “tough loss man…” I am a sore loser. I know this. This is a part of my nature. I hate to lose and yet I never seem to win all the much but when I do, you will know.

I meet up with a friend of mine who ended up missing the game. He was going to the later set of games to see the University of Pittsburgh play. As I described the game to him, he would just give me this look. He then says, “You wear it on your sleeve, don’t you?”. Hell yeah I do! That is me, Mr. Emotion. I feel like that is all I ever do. This is why the off switch becomes so important! There is hardly ever a mystery when it comes to the way I feel. Sometimes I don’t mind it but other times I loathe it with a passion. This would be a reason why I write poetry so I can ease my extreme sense of emotion about whatever is on my mind.

When it comes down to it, this is just a basketball game and I will live. But, in case anyone wants to talk about how I am being ridiculous for being angry about this, lets think about the billions of Soccer fans across the world who destroy whole stadiums when their teams loses! I think I am entitled to just a little bit of emotion!

No one can ever tell me that I do not have heart because knowing me means you see it everyday.

assholes, men, relationships

What is up with Men?

Let me preface this blog with saying that I am writing this out of pure emotion. Not just about anger or disappointment but maybe just pure bewilderment on how some men can act. If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have no problem calling myself out on my own shit. Yeah, I am not perfect. I have done things that would make you give me the side-eye. But all in all, I think I treat most women with the sheer respect that they deserve.

So why is that other men cannot do this? Why is it that men have to act like they are entitled to what is in between a woman’s legs? When did this become an acceptable practice? I know that the dating game has changed but… seriously?

I have been brought to believe that women deserve respect. No matter how ruthless they are or how untrustworthy some can be. I spoken about this before that women can be a certain way and I do believe that but, since when do these men feel the need to be disrespectful? I forget, most men are assholes. I have heard too many stories just within the past week about too many guys who take liberties in speaking and acting with women. I have a news flash: Your dick is not that great if you feel the need to flaunt it as if women are the ones missing something.

It is one thing to flirt with a woman because when that begins and when she is in to you then perhaps certain liberties can be allowed. Sometimes both men and women can get carried away in the heat of the moment but where does the line get drawn? What about when a woman is not flirting with a man and he just too drunk or maybe too stupid to get the point? Is it that hard for a man to walk away and find someone else? Of course not. As I mentioned last year, the male ego is way too fragile. Because of their inadequacies, they will push aside respect to get what they want and if they get away with it once, they will continue and be more aggressive with the next woman.

This is why I have no patience nor tolerance for men who disrespect women. They are cowards. They cannot handle their own insecurities and they take it out what they perceive to be weaker people. We allow this to happen all the time because we are supposed to be “stronger” gender.

Then there are the other men who standby. Those ones who protect their friends. I begin to wonder who is worse. Do you allow your male friends to disrespect a woman? Do you stand by and not defend a woman because that your boy? Is it that hard to be a man these days? Oh wait. I bet if your boy disrespected your sister then it is a different story.

So disappointed. Maybe it is just me. Whatever.

dreams, faith, love, my life

What If The Answer is Faith?

As I mentioned in my last post, sometimes I think about my dreams all day. Yesterday was no exception. Dreaming about driving a car with my eyes closed was what I assumed to be a message about not knowing my future. I felt this was a pretty safe answer. A part of me did think that perhaps I came up with this answer a little too quickly.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that perhaps I was little off about this. Sure, sometimes our dreams show us the things that are bothering us deep inside. Sometimes our dreams even give us clues to the answers we seek. Most of the questions we have in life we can answer ourselves. We are not always ready to admit them. It occurred to me that maybe my dream may not only be telling me that my future is uncertain, but maybe I need to have faith that I will not crash.

I thought about this when I remember that, in my dream, my eyes opened after I hit the breaks. I see that not as not having enough faith to believe that I just need to let fate guide me. Perhaps there is something in my that believes that my love life will crash and burn again. Maybe I feel I need to take control of it in order for this not to happen thus me putting on the breaks. However, I have crashed and burned so many times over with my eyes open.

Clearly driving requires control. Even though I do not consider myself a control freak, I have learned that in so many ways I have tried to control the outcome of whatever happens to me. I know that I am a versatile human being. I have the ability to adapt to any situation and any given time. However, when it comes to my love life, I have trouble just coasting.

Right now I am in a good place. I am single and I trying to fix me. I will be the first to say that anything is possible but I think that I am also be the first not believe that for myself. This is where I think this dream has come from. Dreams have many meanings an I am sure that this one has a few. I just need to have faith in myself.

dreams, fate, love, my life

Driving with My Eyes Closed

I am always fascinated with my dreams. Most times I wont remember them but other times I will remember parts. There are those times when my dreams stand out. Some can be so vivid that I cannot get them out of my head and end up thinking about them all day. The dreams that really matter the most to me are the ones that repeat. That is because then I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving my car with my eyes closed. This is the second time I had this dream. The first one was me falling asleep at the wheel and not being able to open my eyes. I was able to pull the car over and open my eyes. Funny thing about this was I was driving from the back seat. Eventually the cops pulled me over. The dream I had last night was similar. I was driving with my eyes closed but this time I was in the driver’s seat. I could not open my eyes and I did hit the breaks almost expecting to crash but I never did.

So, when I have a dream like this I normally think about my life and try to explain it to the best of my ability. I automatically feel that my dream is telling me that I am heading to an unknown future. That I have the ability to stop myself and open my eyes to go in a different way if I chose. I think that fact that I was not scared about crashing in either dream means that I have no fear of this unknown future. I am actually validated by this because not only did I say in the past that I am going to let fate take the wheel and see what happens, but I also said I had no fear of it.

Interestingly enough, I decided to get look up my dream on dreammoods.com. It seems that I am not too far off:

To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.

I agree with this assessment up to a certain point. I do have direction and a goal. Right now I am working hard on the job search and my goal is to return to the city of my birth. However, I have no direction in my love life. I have no goals right now and I am pretty much along for the ride. I think this is where the dream is stemming from.

I have thought about this very much. First, I want to say that I was smiling to myself this morning because I was trying not to talk about fate again this year, but I guess that is not going to happen. I stand firm that I need to concentrate on me this year. My main goal when it comes to my love life is to just sit and observe. I just need to watch what’s happening in the world around me. It is not just about the dating game but rather how to deal with women in general.

There was no reference to backseat driving on this site but I will venture a guess. Usually if you are dreaming about about being in a car and not driving it means you are not in control of the current path you on. I think the fact that in my first dream I was driving from the back seat means that I much as I may believe that I am not in control of my love life, I truly am. Perhaps the second dream is merely acknowledgment that I have indeed taken control of it although I have no clue where I am going.

fear, happiness, love

The "Off" Switch

I had this particular topic in my head in November. I was all set to write about it but then I put it on the back burner. I even forgot about it because my life was going in a certain way and I think as the 2009 came to a close I was able to get a grasp of my emotions and my thoughts.

Last week I was having a conversation with someone and she mentioned to me that she wished there was an “off switch” for emotions. That perhaps there was away to turn off emotions when we needed to in order to get through the day or whatever situation. It made me think a lot about this. I had to dust off this subject in my head and really think about this. In fact, I went so far as to attempt a poem, I started it, but I never got back to it. I am not even sure I like it.

Anyway, the concept of the “off switch” was something that I thought about at a time when I was dealing with several different things at once. I am the type of person now that is willing and able to deal with my problems head on. I don’t care for confrontation but I will do it because there are times in which it has to be done. I know my main problem is that I care about people’s feelings too much. So, in the past, I have avoided confrontation or even being honest about things because of it. I have since come to realize that I need to put other people’s feelings aside and just be real.

Let’s be honest here. There are very few people in the world who are going to care about our feelings the way we want them to. There are people in this world who think that life is all about them and what we feel simply does not matter…until it is too late. It is that simple fact alone that should provoke any one of us to be real. We learn to be selfish based on the actions of others.

I feel the “off switch” is the hardening of our hearts. While it is not a real concept because emotions is what makes us human, it is something that can be achieved through maturity and practice. This way you can turn off certain feelings off like: regret, sorrow, or depression. Can you imagine if they had a pill for that? Wait…maybe they do.

It would be hot if you could choose which things you want to shut off. I think about it like an iPhone or a Blackberry app. You can download it and the set the preference. It would be something like this:

Crying: Off
Living In The Past: Off
Sad Songs: Off
Romantic Movies: Off
Expectations: Off
Facebook Stalking: Off
Drunk Tweeting: Off

The point is that we struggle so much with our issues. Some people know how to deal with them and some people don’t. I think the more mature a person is the easier it is to not do dumb things to themselves and other people. Maybe that is me having faith in other people. Personally, I have learned to deal with things as they come. I have learned the less you care the happier you will be. That sounds like it makes no sense, but some how it is reality.

However, I would be foolish to say that having an “off switch” is the best thing to have because it isn’t. This type of ability only limits ourselves and any real chance of happiness. I really think that true happiness comes from within and if we rely on people to make us happy then life will really be disappointing. We learn through pain and most humans are too stubborn not learn anything easily.

The only thing I would really create an “off switch” for, is fear. Too many people live their lives so scared of what might or might not happen that they forget to live.

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive — the risk to be alive and express what we really are. – Don Miguel Ruiz

divorce, my life, self redemption

Men Have Insecurities Too…

“People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams.” – Norman Cousins

You know, I think sometimes we as men like to perpetuate the concept of masculinity as something that does not include weakness. We have this notion that we must be strong at all costs. We are brought up to really adhere to the social construction of gender roles that states a man must be all mighty and never falter. Women are also indoctrinated to believe this as well, that they must be attracted to a man that is aggressive and somewhat bullish.

However, as a man it is hard to admit insecurities. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are alike. While, we tend to make too many of the same mistakes, we are all very different. One thing that all men share are insecurities that we choose not do deal with. This is sorta like the guy we all know that refuses to go to the doctor for whatever reason because he feels that whatever issues will just “go away”. Men deal with their insecurities in the same way.

Of course, not all of use share the same issues. My insecurities will differ from the next man. However, I think I can pretty much pin point what my issues are and try to address them in my own way. Not all men are willing to do this. I am not going to sit here and say that I am better person because clearly I am not. However, after the year I have had, I think that my road to self redemption is paved with insecurities.

Oh, do not think that I am not still on my journey because I am. This personal journey is not something that will take a month or a year. This is something that will take as long as it has to, which could be a lifetime.

Today has a specific significance because this marks the true beginning of my road to the single life. The papers have all been signed and submitted today and we are officially separated. My feeling on this is that, yes it is a new beginning but, I do find myself looking back at what was. I have made so many mistakes and I have done so many things that I continue to pay for in small ways.

I am not saying this because I feel sad. This is not a post about being depressed or feeling pity on myself. This just a friendly reminder that I need to not make those same mistakes again. This is where the heart of my own insecurities lay. I am so confident in my other areas of life. I think I am great at my job. I would like to think I am getting better at poetry. I love writing on this blog as well. It is my personal life that I feel needs some improvement, although I think it gets better everyday.

What I will not say is that I am not confident in my personal life. I gain confidence about my future everyday but, it is a cautious confidence. Kind of like when we first dip our toes into the ocean at a beach, we are not really sure how cold the water will be. Of course, once our feet are wet, we tend to just dive in. I want to be able to sail in all of my en devours. I would be foolish not to admit that I am a little intimidated to face life alone.

Yet, I am also excited as well. This is the first time in my life that I have been alone without being lonely. I will take today to look back at what was my life and my marriage. Imagine a man who is on a journey and looks back for a moment at all he has witnessed. I will take a moment to mourn something that was once special to me, then I will move on to my next destination.