latinegro

car accident, my life, my wife, near death, New York, Syracuse

My Near Death Experience

It was a regular day in April of 2007. I went out to food for Josie at Las Delicias. I ordered 2 red snapper meals with arroz amarillo (yellow rice) and 1 side of maduros and 1 side of tostones. I knew I was about eat well! The order was wrapped up well and I placed the bag on the floor of the passenger side of the car.

I started the car up, pulled out my iPod hit and shuffle. “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows” by Justin Timberlake starts blasting. I am ready to go. I pull out of the parking space and I make the turn on to Concord Place. It was pretty nice night. It was later in the evening. I make the next left on to Allen Street. I am driving down this street and there is no traffic then a black cat comes out of no where and I swerve…

I am not sure if anyone really knows the feeling of being in a vehicle when it turns over. It is almost like a roller coaster ride. This all happens very fast, but I was able to hear the car hit the tree. I hear myself scream “NO”. Then the car flips

My life did not flash before my eyes, but I did think I was going to die. I am still in the car, upside down. My nose hurts from the airbag. I have my eyes closed because I run a pain diagnostic on myself. Legs check. Feet check. Arms Check. No blood I can feel. I open my eyes and I am truly upside down. I think to myself… “I cannot believe I just flipped this car.” I can smell the food. Then I think…”Oh shit, I have a full tank of gas..” I unbuckle my seat belt and I crawl out of the car.

On my way out I see my new phone that I just got in 3 pieces (Phone, battery, cover). I stand up and I just look at the car. I see my iPod across the street. I pick that up and then a woman comes running out asking me if I was ok. She blabs about how she is a nurse and how I need to sit down. I can tell she is trying to check me for wounds. She mentions that she called 911. I put my phone back together and I call Josie.

I totaled that car. I just got that car a month prior. The rest of the night consisted of me going to the hospital for testing. I remember sitting on the gurney with both Josie and I crying because even then we knew that our marriage was in trouble. I still think about that day. I was off from work for a week because I was sore as hell. I think about how some of my friends did not call even though they knew what happened and I think about the one person I needed to call me…did.

I will always think about how I almost died 2 years ago. The police told me that if I had not had my seat belt on, I would not have made it. I am re-telling this because this I feel this is the closest I have ever come to death. It would have ended very quickly and then what? I thought about this yesterday. I told myself that I need to finally figure out what I want to do.

I am not staying in Syracuse. I have decided to finish my Masters and get out of here. The city is not for me. This job is not for me anymore. There is a glass ceiling over my head that I know I cannot crack. My mother is now 70 and my aunt is getting older and someone needs to look out for her. My nephew is getting bigger and I am tired of not getting to see Met games whenever I want. I miss New York City and I want to go back now! But, I need to do me. I need to get this degree.

P.S. Yes that is the car pictured above.

fear, love

The Value of "X"

I am amazed about how much time I have been able to think about love and life. I think so much these days that creating blog topics are as easy for me as it was when I started this months ago. I was thinking about how we establish rules in order to put a value to a person or value to a relationship. I am not a math person but I do remember a few things, like trying to find the value of x. I think that is geometry.

I remember a typical problem being something like 5x + 6x = 22. Then one would have to figure out what the value of x was. I feel that many people view the value of love and relationships in very much the same manner. They create rules in order to justify a decision. I found this to be the case in many women I know. I am not generalizing, but most guys that I know don’t follow any particular rules as it applies to love.

I will give an example. To me this is a typical thought of someone who is using rules to define love: “I know that he works hard everyday, but if he really cares about me he will blow off his meeting and come home early” That seems like a reasonable request. You can see the value of this equation, but think about how quickly it can turn. “This man knows that I want him to come home early and he is still in meetings, he must not care about me as much as I thought”.

To many people, love is an equation. All the pieces and parts must fit in a certain way in order for a relationship to begin. I, for one, do not subscribe to this thought because I am more of feeler. I like to feel my way through things. I am ok if things do not make sense because as I had said before, love is the perfect emotion. We are the ones who are not perfect. However, when it comes to love, many people expect perfection. Which is why rules are created and the “equation of love” begins.

I am not referring to dating rules, although I think those are irrelevant too. It is my belief that we develop a mechanism to guard ourselves from getting hurt. We take lessons learned from past relationship and apply them to possible relationships in the future, which makes complete sense. However, can anyone truly control how they feel about someone if it just feels right? I understand that we all guard our feelings because pain of rejection and the fear being alone can be great, but I think we lose so much of ourselves have our guard up.

Fear. That is the bottom line. That is value of x. Fear dominates our daily lives and stops us from doing anything successful. That is reason for the rules that we make up. Our fears can range from the thought of being alone to the thought of losing your yourself. Fear gives us a reason to create rules so that we have an easy way out. If a person does not match a list of criteria (i.e. he/she smokes too much, he/she is too old or too young) then they can be crossed off a fictitious list of potential mates. Fear gives us a reason to make excuses.

divorce, Friendship, my life

Talk About Awkward…

I keep forgetting that not everyone knows about Josie and I splitting up. One of the things about working at Syracuse University is that you meet so many people. Between students, staff, faculty, and guests we may run into, I would say that her and I know many people. So I know that on any given day someone will come up to me and ask “How is the wife?”

It kinda bugs me out in a very amusing way. The only way that people would know is if they read this blog. I have told certain individuals personally and so has Josie. So, I am not exactly sure who knows. Not that it is a big deal. So when the question is asked, I simply tell whomever that she is fine. To be real, I do not want to always talk about it.

I think what will be awkward is when colleagues begin to find out. I can only imagine the questions. The funny thing is that Josie and I can still work together and get things done for the students because we are professional and we know why we are here. I think it will be awkward for everyone else.

The other thing I find awkward, and maybe it is just me, I feel like everyone I know who is single is getting married! It is just weird. I certainly do not want to be the bearer of bad news, particularly for those who are about to get married. It is sort of like when I hear about people I know who die. It makes me think about my own mortality. The same thing holds true for people getting married. No one wants to think about what could happen if things don’t work out.

The good thing is that when you are engaged there is the belief that you will be together forever. Which is good. So the news that they here should not distract them. Which is why I found to heard to tell my brother, since he is getting married next year.

What I have encountered, that is not cool at all, is other people feeling the need to tell my business. I have mixed feelings about this because I know people will talk, but if I tell you that I am getting a divorce and not many people know, wouldn’t that click in your head to not tell anyone? I recognize that if I tell a friend that is married he/she will tell his/her wife. I get that. But that person need to tell his spouse to shut the fuck up!

How annoying is it to tell someone who already knows and that person was not told by her or I? Of course this incident happened before I mentioned my situation on this blog last week. It makes me want to re-evaluate those I call friends.

choices, chris rock, karma

Choices…

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about how small choices can effect life in a big way. As shown on my post on Monday about Soul Mates, I have been listening to a lot of Chris Rock lately and he is a very quotable person.

This all started on my drive back from New York City on Saturday. Normally, I drive to music. I have an iPod full of music to make those 4 hours seem like nothing. I was not feeling in the music mood, which is rare because I am always listening to music, as I am now (If I Was Your Woman by Alicia Keys is playing on my iTunes right now). I decided to do something different. I needed to laugh. I am fortunate to have XM radio and I turned it to the RawDog Comedy channel. It was exactly what I need. I was in tears most of the ride back.

It made me think of Chris Rock and how funny I find him. Mostly because I think that he speaks the truth on so many subjects. We laugh because the truth is so ridiculous. As I was searching for the perfect clip about soul mates, I came across one of his quotes. The problem is, I do not know what show this is from:

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

I have seen the show that he mentions this. In the context of what he is saying it is hysterical. It does make me think about how choices can change a life.

For a long time, I thought my dad was going to live a long life bitter life alone, but he was able to have someone be in his life. More often than not, the choices you make in life come back to you. In my case, I am dealing with that now and it has brought a whole new perspective on what I need to do in my life (of course it is a work in progress).

Lately, when I walk around campus I seem to see one or 2 older people who are either sitting on a bench or walking around aimlessly and I think about what choices did they make to land them where they are. I see some of the same faces everyday and they look bitter. It is my belief that if you are old and bitter then you have made a lot of bad decisions in life that has gotten you to this point. Which is why I cannot get mad at bitter old people. Who knows how many times they have tortured themselves over a painful choice they have made. While it is easy to say that we need to accept the things we cannot change, doing it is a whole other story.

I recently heard a story about a woman I used to know. We were colleagues and I considered her a friend at one point but she decided to (in my opinion) be selfish and leave me to do several projects with no guidance on what she had done previous. This became a pattern with other people she knew and even lost her job in the process. When it came time for her to marry and have a child, she sent invites to all those she once wronged, including me. Turns out I was not the only one who did not attend her festivities. She recently spoke to a friend of mine and comment how no one was there for her, but my question is where was she?

Choices, good or bad, will come back to everyone of us. That is something I really did not have a concept of when I was younger and is now something I deal with. My father always told me what comes around, goes around. I have to admit once again he is right.

Dominican Republic, exercise, music, running, Star Trek, The Soloist, X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Tidbit Tuesday

Santo Domingo!

It looks like I will be going to the Dominican Republic next year! My brother/cousin is getting married and they have decided to marry on the island of Quisqueya. I am very much looking forward to this on so many levels.

The fact that my new brother, Rick is getting married really makes me happy. I have seen him go through many trails when it comes to relationships and to see him getting to this stage is great. I felt weird telling him what is going on with me since he is now in planning mode, but it is all good.

Another reason why I looking forward to this is that I have never been to the Dominican Republic. This will be the first trip I will be on by myself (relationship wise) since I went to Cancun in 1997. So, I am looking forward to it.

Family Dynamics

Before I spread confusion to those who know me, I think I need to explain where “brother/cousin” came from. Rick is my cousin. We have been close for many years. His father is my mother’s brother. I have another cousin named David, who is older. Their mother is my new step mom.

How is this possible? Long after my parents split, my father start dating my step mother. She was already split with my uncle. They have been with each other since I was in High School! Which is why I have always thought that it was about time they tied the not. So when they got married, about a week ago, my cousins became my brothers by marriage.

I will not use the term “brother/cousin” again. They are simply my brothers now. So if any one asks, I know have 3 brothers.

Running

I ran my ass off last night! I almost did 4 miles. I am quite proud of myself. I program the treadmill to go for 45 minutes and I will run for as long as I can. I will start for less than a minute on speed 3 and then when I get my fast music ready, I bolt to 6. My goal here is to see how far I can go at that speed until I need to slow down. Last night I was able to do it for more than 15 minutes, which translates to 1.5 miles straight without slowing down

What I am amazed about, is that this all possible because I got new running shoes. My dad gave me an early birthday gift. I told him I needed running shoes badly and he came through. This is my first real pair and they make all the difference in the world.

I do have a goal. My goal is to be in peak shape my May of 2010. Just in time for my trip to Santo Domingo. I would like to look good and to feel good. I think will have to adjust my diet. That will be next on my list.

Movie Season

I have been really over the top with Movies this year. I saw 4 movies last week. I feel like every year the movie season is better than the last. Let me just list the movies that I have seen since May 1st. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (twice), Star Trek (3 times), Angels & Demons, Terminator: Salvation, and The Soloist. This is crazy to me. Not to mention that Transformers is coming out on June 24.

I will say this. The best movie out of all that I have seen was The Soloist. The other movies were pretty much entertainment and they were all very good. However, The Soloist is just on a different level. Jamie Fox and Robert Downy Jr do a fantastic job of telling a story about poverty and mental health issues in this country. It made me feel grateful for what I have.

The Soloist is near the end of its theatre run, so I would see it if you get a chance.

Music

One thing I liked about The Soloist, is the music. I am very much into classical music and the big band sound. There is something epic about this type of music. The bad part about this is that I have very limited knowledge when it comes to classical music. Sure there is Mozart, and some other names I cannot pronounce, much less spell. But, I appreciate the music.

Music in general is what keeps me going. While, I have been trying to avoid overly depressing music, I have been listening to a lot of Rock and Club music. Hip Hop is always in my heart, but there is so much wack music lately that I need substance. Nas will never talk about matter of the heart. Today’s R&B is not cutting it either and I hate that Birthday Sex song (quite possibly because I will not be having any sex on my birthday…lol

Maybe it is because I am older that I would rather listen to something that reflects me a little more. So listening to music about wack shit is just not going to do it for me. I need to listen to song that make sense, or have a good enough beat so I can run to it, or quite simply make me dance

One more thing, Salsa will never die with me! So I talk a lot of shit about any other genera but Spanish music is different level. I can listen to it at anytime.

chris rock, love, soul mates

Soul Mates?

I know this was a little long, but I love Chris Rock!

Let me start off by saying that I cannot believe it is June. It is not that I feel this year is going fast, because I don’t think it is. I guess I am looking at it as being 11 days closer to 35.

Anyway, I have spent this past weekend thinking about many things. I mentioned in my last post about how I had met up with and old friend who had already been in my shoes, the one of the things she said was that “Everything is Temporary”. I found this to be a profound remark. It made me think how true this was in my life. Is everything temporary?

I think that people tend to come and go in my life. I also believe that everyone serves a purpose that I may not always understand. I chose to focus on those who may have most impact in my life and they are the ones I talk to the most. While I do not think friendship is temporary, I think that connections can be. I may not see a good friend of mine for years. Our connection could be broken but our friendship is not.

Which brings me to relationships and love. Is love forever? Can you truly love someone forever? I don’t know. I think you can try. But, often times love goes both ways. Sure one person can love another for a long time, but what happens when that love is not returned? I would assume that is when things become temporary.

I ask all this because I am thinking about theory on Soul Mates. I am not sure they exist. I think about everything I have gone through in my life. The women that I have been in love with and the failures that have come from it. It makes me think about what the purpose of all this is? Are we supposed to go through life searching for the perfect someone? Or do we end up with who we end up with and hope for the best?

I do not quote myself often, but I blogged on Valentines Day. I wrote about love being the perfect emotion and while I would love for you to read it (because I think it is incredibly relevant right now), I have pulled out a small excerpt:

True love is like the pot at the end of rainbow for many of us. But is true love the embodiment of a soul mate? Maybe it is love of a parent and child, or perhaps the love that two very good friends share. I wont say that I know the answer. But, I do know that are people in this world who are very happy with their current situations. Those situations could be alone with plenty of love of friends, or love of children. I am not downplaying the loving relationship between 2 people, but I believe that Valentine’s Day has a way of effecting people who are not in a relationship or are in a relationship that has not filled its potential.

I think that many of us are fooled into believing that love is this thing we see on TV. That love is a perfect emotion that endures anything. So, people have expectations of others that may not be attainable. Not to say that love can’t survive anything, I for one believe it can, but we know that humans are imperfect. So if love is the perfect emotion, and we are not perfect, then that is going to lead to issues for many people. If anyone has ever been in love then you will know that is the one emotion that will make you do dumb things.

That sums it up for me, we are not perfect. Yet, we expect the perfect things from people and even from ourselves. Unfortunately, this is where we get in trouble. I was told that I let my emotions control me. While that might be the case, I feel that my capacity to care and love can be great. I know many men who would rather show no emotion. In those cases, women often try to “fix” it by getting them to express their feelings of love. In any case, I do let me emotions rule over me because I think that matters of the heart should no be contained by logic.

I also completely understand that the very fact that I may not really believe in Soul Mates could render me single for quite awhile. However, I do think there is only a finite number of times you can find love. Let’s face it, people suck. The older you get the more baggage you attain…and even if you do not have any baggage, the next person you try to date will most certainly will.

For now, I will stick with the Chris Rock definition of Soul Mates until someone can prove to me otherwise.

divorce, my life

Now What?

I consider this separation/divorce process to be very much a learning experience to me. So, it has been a very new thing for me to just put my business out there for all to read. I did tell family first. I also asked Josie if it was ok to write my last blog. Even though her and I are going through this, I still have a sense of responsibility. So I wouldn’t just put her on blast either. We had some really good times and I want to honor that.

A part of me wanted to make a FAQ list that I have encountered since I had decided to tell people individually and then publicly. There was no question that was invalid or out of the ordinary. Most are like simply: What are you going to do now? Truth be told I am talking things day by day. Some days are harder than others. Quite frankly, I have forced myself to think about all the things have went wrong. I want to say that I very much feel responsible for this.

So now what? Well, I want to focus on my career. I think that I had a very good year and I would like to keep that going. I want to get into my master’s program and I am waiting for 2 letters of recommendation (I need 3). I am a little annoyed, but I will give those two people a couple of more weeks before I search for two other people who might be willing to right me a personal reference. I am going to focus on myself.

People have asked me if I have a girlfriend. I do not have one and I do not plan to. I need to re-evaluate everything in my life. This is a life altering event and once I am able to come to terms with everything, then my next step is to fall in love…with myself. This is important to me because I am not sure if I even like myself right now. Now, I don’t want my guilt and sorrow to be mistaken for self pity. I thank everyone so much for the well wishes. Keeping my head up to me, is very much about recognizing mistakes and facing them. Once that process is done then I can move forward.

There has been no greater wisdom (for me right now) than to speak to someone who has been going through similar things. I had a cup of coffee (my first cup in a week) with a very good friend of mine that I have not seen quite a while. She offered some of the best advice to me. In addition to telling me that all things happen for a reason, she told me that I should now reflect on what I need to do for myself to make my life better. I trust her knowledge because she has been in my shoes.

I will say that I have had a good week. For the most part, I have been with family. I was able to have some of my father’s cooking which is plus for me. I went to the movies with my brother, sister and law and my nephew. Played handball with my cousin Rick. I was able to hang out with a good friend of mine as well. My vacation has been full. So I cannot complain.

Blogging, divorce, my life, my wife

There is No Manual For This

This is the blog entry I have been dreading to write. I have been thinking about what to say and I have planned out theses words for weeks. There is a very big reason why this blog has slipped over the this month and this is because my emotions and general feelings have been all over the place. This blog as been my constant since January. I have done a lot of writing to distract me from the problems that have been so glaringly obvious to me.

I am sitting here in Mount Vernon, at my aunts house, and I cannot believe how hard it is for me to write this. After almost 8 years of marriage, my wife and I splitting up. We made this mutual decision in March. This has been a hard road for us. I knew that this was something that was going to happen in December. Our marriage has been rocky for about 3 years.

There is no manual for a successful marriage. It is hard to gage all the things one needs to do in order to keep a lifetime commitment going. I will say that I blame myself for so many things. No one gets married just to get divorced. I would like to think I have done my best to make her as happy as I can, but ultimately I did not.

We will remain friends. Her and I, on many levels, get along great. Right now, we still reside in the same house, although not in the same room. Her and I will figure out all the little things we need to get us through this tough time.

This will come as a major surprise to many people who thought that her and I were the perfect couple. I think that we did a great job in getting along in public. I will say that I don’t want people to think that I do not still love her because that is not the case. The issue of love is not the case here. I do love her. But, I think that we have both done so many things to each other that at some point we were done.

This will change how I write my blogs for the time being. I maybe a little darker than normal. What I will not do, is say anything bad about her. There is no reason for it. But, I think that writing has been so helpful to me when I need to get my feelings out. I think that my blog has slipped because this is what I wanted to write about and this has blocked out every other thought that I have had.

guest blog, laptop, my life

Laptop Issues

It is not my intention to skip blogs for this long, but I am having issues with my laptop that has made it diffcult for me to connect to the internet. So I am writing something quick tolet my readers know that I am still alive. I did manage to write a guest blog on Brookey’s Cafe Blog. So please check that out. That was posted yesterday.

Once I get up and running again, I will write several blogs about my weekend. I was going to write a review on Terminator: Salvation. I will try to get that done. For now, I want to just get some rest. I hope you are all doing well…

Internet, my dad, New York

Dad’s Big Day Tomorrow

Well I am back in the Bronx. My drive takes me about 4 hours depending on the traffic. I picked a perfect day to drive. Clear skies all the way. I think that was a sign of a good week to come.

Of course tomorrow is the Big Day for my Dad. I had to call him last night to get all the times correctly. I laughed because I spoke to him twice. Once in the morning, where he tells me his version of the time line, and again at night with on a 3 way call with my future step mother. In the 3 way call the timeline is totally different. Which is not a surprise to me because I know who is in charge now.

Needless to say, I need to get my ass up early tomorrow. As if i am going to work. I have to be at my aunts house at 8am (she lives in Mount Vernon) and from there we will travel to downtown Manhattan to what was originally City Hall. Now we are going somewhere a few blocks away. My step mother has a friend who is a judge, so instead of the long line and wait over in City Hall, we will do it at this person’s apt.After that we are doing lunch. It should be pretty fun. The weather looks like it will be beautiful.

I mentioned on Twitter and on Facbook that my brother decided to cut my stay at his place short. Here is how it went…He calls me to make sure that I am still coming (he did this yesterday). In this conversation he tells me he wants to discuss the length of may stay. He feels it should be shorter. Apparently, Justin has finals and will be distracted by my presence. My nephew is 10…what school gives finals to 10 year old??? So clearly I am out of a place after Tuesday.

My dad is staying with my aunt in Mount Vernon (10 minutes away). So I made arrangements with her. Funny, I could have stayed with her before but I figured that she didn’t have Internet and I am spoiled…lol. Come to find out that she indeed does have a computer with a modem. I made a joke to my father about how it is not wireless…and he tells me that we need to fix that because my step mom cant use her laptop. So this week, we get to upgrade my aunt with a wireless router. I am so bad…

My nephew mentioned to me that he has a baseball game at 5. So, I guess I am booked for that. I am also amazed at all the clothes I was able to pack. You would think that I am not coming back…lol

Trust me…I am. I do have a job.