Category: my life

family, my life

Family Matters…and not the show…

(yes that is me in the front)
With the constant changes in my life, I have found myself thinking about family. It is amazing how times of change and stress can connect you to family members. I know many times I have felt the need to speak to family when things are not going well. However, sometimes we find ourselves pulling way from family because of issues. Let’s face it, no one knows us better than family and they can be our biggest critics as well as our biggest fans.
Of course I could talk all day about how good family can be but, it becomes hard to do that because I am not really sure what a normal family is. I know what I have seen on TV. I know that the Cosby Show and Family Matters are not real to me. Harmony is something my family has never had. However, we still manage to remain close to certain family members.
I come from a pretty big extended family that is on my mother’s side. My father’s side of the family is not as big. When I take a step back and I look at both sides, I realize how jacked up both families are. I am not sure that I have heard of a more dysfunctional family than the two I belong to. I wont get into specifics but lets just say that I simply do not communicate with many family members and much of that is due to circumstances beyond my control.
There are so many things that I have heard and witnessed when I was a kid that simply make me shake my head. But, because I was so young when much of the issues happened, they do not really effect me as an adult. I just look around as the different family members squabble and complain over things that don’t really matter in the end. As an adult, and not to mention the youngest in both families outside of small children, there is this sense that I am still a kid in all this. Perhaps I do not understand the issues that everyone else seems to be fighting over. Oh how wrong they are!
I will say that I love my family. I have a some unique individuals, most who are women, that I call cousins. Despite the issues, I have felt so very grateful to connect with them through Facebook. I once considered myself the black sheep of the families. On my mother side, I was my father’s kid. The one who told my mother that I would rather live with the man that (allegedly) destroyed their marriage. He brain washed me and I was never going to amount to anything. One my father’s side. I was simply…black. Sure, I was a cute flaco kid. My cousins would take places, but I simply did not feel as if I fit. Hence my need to be an individual, yet always having abandonment issues because I felt like the nomad relative.
One thing is for sure, what I have learned from family, is Gossip! I mean, wow. I could tell you a million stories of my entire family and none of which I saw or heard personally. However, one thing that never seems to considered how stories get twisted and the object of concern always gets hurt, but hey…it is family! What I want to see is a family show about real jacked up issues. It can still be a comedy, you just have the add some Budweiser and some Sofrito.
I do smile when I think about my issues with women considering that I have so many female cousins. When I do move back to NYC, I plan on connecting with them. See, I do not consider myself the black sheep anymore, but more like the prodigal son…(or cousin)
blackest night, dreams, my life, zombies

Land of the Dead

Lately I have been having some really intense dreams. I would not call them nightmares at all, but just really intense dreams. This will sound weird but, I have been dreaming about zombies. While I cannot give any concrete details, it usually revolves around me fighting for my life. The funny thing about it is that I am not at all scared during these dreams. It is almost as if I am just going about my day.

Let me just explain that as a little kid, just about anything that had to do with horror films scared me. I would almost bet something lived in my closet. I will also tell you that being Latino and religious does not help either but, I will leave the stories about spirits for another day. There were 2 horror films that I still have not gotten over since I was a kid: The Exorcist and Dawn of the Dead. Why I chose to see these, I have no clue, but I will tell you that these things scared the holy hell out of me.

For those who do not know, Dawn of the Dead is a basic zombie movie where a group of people get trapped inside a shopping mall while a horde of undead beings are outside waiting to devour them. This movie was remade a few years ago. I actually saw the remake and it wasn’t bad. But, the original is way more horrifying.

I feel that I am not a zombie fanatic like many people are. There have been comic books made about zombies and a lot of them I have read and collected featuring superheros. So, when my dreams manifested themselves, I just figured it was because of something that I read. However, the dreams keep coming back. Same basic story different location or different day. Again, while I am not scared in these dreams there is definitely a certain amout of stress in them. I am either fighting, running, or hiding throughout the dreams.

All this makes me think about my class in college. I took a class about the collective unconscious. My old professor, Bob Gates, made us study the theories of Carl Jung. Through that class, I have learned that dreams are a way of our subconscious trying to deal with our everyday problems. We try to solve or gain answers to our problems while we sleep. One thing is for certain, if you have a dream that repeats, then your subconscious is trying to tell you something that you are not getting.

Right off the bat, I am thinking that these dreams are telling me that I need to stop fighting something or someone. I know that in my past blogs, I have said that I need to go with the flow and my mind is probably telling me I need to stick to that. The running may signify that I am running for something or someone, I may still have to figure that out. As, far as the hiding part, I feel that I do that everyday. I feel that I need to hide parts of myself that feels vulnerable. Zombies signify my problems that threaten to eat me alive. Before I sit here and say that this is because of a person and a situation, I will say that problems can be anything from work related issues, to the debt I may have. So who knows?

I did one more thing to to figure out why I am having these dreams. I went to a website called Dream Moods. I looked up what dreams about Zombies and this is what was listed:

To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life.

Well, that pretty much lays it right out for me! However, I am not sure I am under that much stress. But clearly something is bothering me and I will need to figure that out.
honesty, lying, my life

Faking the Funk

There are people in this world that just cannot figure out where their place is in life. Then are those people that know exactly where their place is and are completely comfortable in their own skin. However, you have those people what their place in life should be and fight against it. The people are that I refer are Faking the Funk.

Let’s see if I can elaborate. I mentioned before that men who are assholes tend to lie. They lie because they do not want to hurt women because of a lack of understanding of the situation. What I neglected to mention was the type of man (and this can be a woman too) that lies to himself. People who lie to themselves are dangerous. They are unpredictable.

It made me think about how I am. I consider myself to be very honest. I am not saying that I was always this way. Like most men, I believed that lying was a necessary evil, not really knowing that there is alot of power in the truth. I have lied to myself several times about many situations regarding my life and my marriage. It is very true when someone says that the truth will set you free.

Being true to ourselves is very key to find happiness. It is not only the fact that being true means we know what we want, but it also means that we would to do anything it takes to get it. If we were to lie to ourselves because we are battling the pressures of what other people think, like family and/or friends, then our happiness is ultimately unreachable until we start being real. Someone who lies to self is usually a person who often seems like they are looking for something, as if nothing they currently have satisfies them. Perhaps this person moves from job to job or from person to person because they are so unsure of themselves or what they have. A person a that lies to self, at some point or another, will have to realize that they cannot keep being in denial forever.

I always laugh when I think about the phrase “Keepin it Real” because it means many different things to so many people. The true essence behind the phrase always been to just be yourself. The problem is that to some people, being themselves is either not enough or, quite frankly, too painful for them to deal with. Living a lie becomes much more easier and acceptable, which is why people who are like this are dangerous. If they can lie to themselves…then they can lie anyone of us.

If you are in love with one of these people and it ended suddenly or unexpectedly, have you ever thought, “I never really knew this person at all” Bingo. Guess who was lying to themselves and to you? That does not mean that we all don’t do it, because we do. Many times we are in denial because we rather not deal with the truth. I have seen women who really do know their man is cheating, but will never admit it to themselves (at least not until it is too late) because the truth is harsh!

But, not matter how harsh the truth is, it is the universal equalizer. It separates the weak from the strong. Honesty is a hard to thing to look at because it is pure. It is only harsh because it is attached to emotions. That is why I appreciate people who can confront me if they have a problem. It is the the essence of being real…

For those in denial it is only a matter of time before the truth come out. The questions is can you live with yourself after the fact.

Ayo word up, I think you’re fakin’ the funk – Main Source
divorce, letting go, love, my life, no regrets, overthinking

If I had to do it all over again, I would…

“I am a guy…when do we ever get anything right the first time?” – Hitch

About a week ago, one of my friends on Facebook posted this on her status: “If I had to do it all over again, I would…” First, I was amazed she got 38 responses. It was an interesting topic that had people thinking about regrets in their lives. It made me think about if there is anything that I may regret in the 35 years of being on this planet. My response to this status was simple: Everything happens for a reason. I am not sure I would be the person I am now if I made different choices…

As you very well know, I am the first person to admit when I am wrong or when I have made a mistake. Life is full of mistakes and we should learn from each one, I am just not so sure we should go back and reflect on them for very long. Of course, I am not talking about a life altering mistake in which someone goes to jail. In those cases, people have nothing but time to reflect on the choices that have been made.

I think about all the things that have led me to where I am today. All those decisions, to either take advantage of an opportunity or bypass one, is at the heart of who I am. I do not reflect on what could have been for too long because that is just not healthy. I will also go on record to say that I have no regrets. However, that does not mean that I do not acknowledge any of my wrong doings from the past, it just means that I am learning from the mistakes that I have made in both love and life.

I have come to realize that if there is too much regret from the past then it will be hard to seek happiness in the future. I know that I tend to be hard on myself. I tend make myself pay for all mistakes. I think it is human nature to blame ourselves for things and it may also be that same nature to harp on the things that we wished could have been. The problem is being able to stop myself from overthinking the past, which I do tend to do. Sure, it is easy to just say “It is what it is” and move on, but we tend to stick to certain points in our lives that just stand out.

I realize that overthinking the past simply means that I may have not let go of everything yet. We try to hold on to ideals. We try hold on to the memories because in certain cases that is all that we have. The concept of letting go is deep on so many levels. I have gotten to the point in which, if I am dealing with something that has to with a past issue and I feel hurt or stressed by it, I take a step back and tell myself that I have not let this issue go. I let the idea of letting go become a barometer for how much I have or have not moved on from a particular issue.

I consider regret as another way of not letting go. So, that is why I can firmly say that if I had to live my life all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am who I am, mistakes and all. Could I have done better? Sure! Could I have been a better husband? Absolutely! Could I have been a better son? Yup! Could I have been a better friend? Of course! But, I cannot regret all of that. I really cant. Because I know that through each phase of my life, I have had things that I was constantly dealing with that have made me question myself.

Now, I get to start all over again. A true clean slate. I choose who is in my life. I choose what I want to do. I now have a reference in which I can look back to and say, “I wont do that.” I know first hand consequences of bad decision making. This all comes back to what I have always said: things happen for a reason. In many cases, things happen so we can learn to be better people. Mistakes happen so we can learn to better ourselves.

I had a discussion with a friend about 2 weeks and I said to them: I have a new number 1 in my life…and that person is me.
Blogging, my dad, my life

Overthinking Everything

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and he identified my number 1 problem. He told me that I over think everything. One thing about friends, the good ones who really know us , is that they can point out our faults without us getting hurt. I mean, this man is so on point. I do over think…everything! I am not even sure why I do this. (Disclaimer: I will probably over think this current subject, but this is my blog and I reserve the right)

Of course I overthink! That is why I have a blog so I can overthink any subject I please. I am not sure how I got through life without this blog. I find myself thinking so much about my issues as well as my job. The funny thing is, I don’t over think my job. Many times I just do. No matter the situation, I get into a groove and never over think a problem. The solution always seems to be in hand.

In my personal life, not so much. It can get to a point where some of things that I over think about can shut me down and stop me from doing work. While I know this is natural, I consider this to be big problem of productivity. However, I am not sure I know of any blogger that do not over think things. It is what we do. We analyze our topic and write about it.

I would like to think that I get this trait from my father. He over thinks a lot. He does not know this but, as a teenager when he was dealing with his divorce, I used to watch him sit at the table and watch him think. I could see the wheels turning! I would also watch the times when he was alone in the backyard, after he vacuumed the pool. My father would sit on the deck, put his feet in the water and crack open a beer. He would sit there for hours…just thinking.

Maybe I did get this sense to really think before I take an important action. It is not like I am not impulsive because I certainly can be. What I have come to find is that I do not like to make rash decisions. I have witnessed many people make rash decisions based on very little fact and that is something I do not want to do. I have been called indecisive and I think that is probably true, but I would rather make the best decision as possible. Let me point out that not making a decision counts as making one (am I making sense?).

Am I overthinking the subject on overthinking? Of course! This blog has been my forum that allows me to do this. While my friend wasn’t saying this to put me down, I wanted to remind him that the blog has been born from my ability to over think everything. It keeps me grounded, other wise I may just erupt with emotion without something to express myself.
Afro Latino, Blogging, my life

No Ideas What to Write…So I Ramble…

I have been thinking all day about what it is that I want to write about. I haven’t really been able to identify one particular subject that I have wanted to spend time to think and write about. Most of the posts on this blog have been so much about emotion and what burning issue is in my head. I will say after that poem I wrote 2 days ago, I have had writers block.

So, in what I consider to be in true fashion of a writer, I am going to write anyway. I think part of the block that I have has to do with the better mood I have been feeling over the last week or so. I have always prided myself in really being able to put my thoughts on “paper” when my emotions are either high or low. The problem is that the poem that wrote actually hurt me to write. I have never been hurt by something I wrote. It tookme a few hours to really put myself back together after that. I consider that to be good writing.

It also does not help when I get interrupted when I am writing. I am all about flow. I can flow pretty well when I start writing. However, if I get interrupted (like I did when writing this) then I lose my place. It also does not help that I am watching the George Lopez on Nick at Night. So I am laughing in between sentences.

One thing that I have realized is that everyone seems to be going through something personal. I feel that while I am going through my personal issues that it is very easy to forget that someone just may have it worse than me. I can that people front as if they are happy when they really aren’t.

So at this point, I am taking things day by day. I am looking forward to the students coming back. Work is pretty dead in the summer without them. Once I was done with my trip to Florida, I was ready for the school year.

I am really starting to like the some of the Twitter feeds and topics I am starting to see also. There are some real positive Latinos that I am following. I am constantly being reminded of why I started this blog in the first place. When I started this in January, I want to talk about the lack of Afro-Latinos in media and while I have done that, my personal like has gotten in the way.

Not to fear however, as we get closer to Latino Heritage Month, I am going to make sure I get back on track, so you may all be seeing my emotional side mixed in with my passion to educate my people about the invisible Latinos among us: Afro Latinos.

I will continue to update the links to show more me. I wont add photos because that is what Facebook is for. I want to mainly concentrate what I can pull from my head when it come to this blog. Below are sites you can find me at:

forgiveness, love, my dad, my life

Forgive Yourself First

I am currently on the road back to Syracuse and I know that it has been a few days since my last post. I wanted to write something. I originally was going to write about Disney but I will save that for later in the week. As usual, the urge to write something else has hit me. Let me start by asking you to forgive any typos since I am writing this entry from my phone.

Funny that I am asking forgiveness when this the subject on my mind. One thing I have noticed over my trip when talking to family is that someone is always upset or mad at someone else within the family for a whatever reason. Not matter how stupid or serious the reason it always seems to be a reason that causes angst. Of course if you love someone and they do something that hurts you it will always be difficult to deal with. Family will always be the first to hurt us.

Looking at it from a view of a friendship or relationship, depending how deep it is, the pain of someone hurting us can be just as great or even greater especially if love is involved. Most of the time the reaction to being hurt is the same. We deal with it and move on. However there are those times when we cannot deal and a relationship needs to end because of it. We find it hard to forgive another person.

Forgiveness is the hardest part of love. It is hard to let go of someones wrong doing. More importantly, it is hard to forgive ourselves for putting ourselves in the situation in the first place. Let’s not forget that we can also be the ones that hurt other people. So in either case, forgiveness is hard to come by because we tend to be hard on ourselves. I cannot begin to say how much I blame myself for the things that have gone wrong in my life. But eventually, I need to move on and forgive myself because on the end I have to look in the mirror.

More importantly, by forgiving myself, I can forgive others. I can let go of all the negatives and mistakes of the past. This is the best way to love. We all know people make mistakes and we all know that there are some evil people as well. None of that matters. It takes too much energy to hate someone. The stress and angst of being angry is not good for us. It is all part of letting go.

I worry about several people in my life. They lack the ability to let go. My father is one of these people. For as much good as he has done for me, he has so much pent up anger for relatives and people in general who have done him wrong. Nice people tend to get taken advantage of and it is a sad part of life, but we can turn that around by forgiving the fools who hurt us.

enigma, heart, love, my life

The Enigma

Last night I received, what I considered, to be one of the best compliments I have gotten. I was called an enigma by some who reads this blog. I took this to be a very good thing considering that what was pointed out to me is that my emotions, I talk about on this blog, is very tangible. I so appreciate what was told to me. (Thank you for that, you made me think about this one.)

It makes me think about my life as a big puzzle. I feel that I have allowed my life to become this scattered array of pieces that I now have to put back together. The problem is that not all the pieces are fitting the way they used to. So now, I have to come up with a different vision of what my life will ultimately look like in order for me to solve this puzzle.

Sticking to my nerdy side, when I see the word enigma, I think of the Batman villain, The Riddler. His real name in the comic is Edward Nigma (E.Nigma…get it?). The hard part in this whole process that I call my life, is to figure out my emotions that have been very much like riddles to me. Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why is my heart too fat? Maybe because I care too much or dare I say I love too much.

Perhaps the real puzzle is my heart. Not to say that it is has been shattered into a million pieces that has caused this puzzle, but the true riddle is in find out what it is that I really want. Each piece of this puzzle represents the past, present, and future. What I used to want I cannot have. What I currently want is being played out ever so painfully. What I want in the future…well that is the mystery huh?

I was the type of man that had a plan for how my life will be. Go to college…get married…have a family…live happily ever after. Well the train got derailed by my worst enemy…me. So I have to break out the puzzle pieces to recreate what is my heart, but this time with no plans. That is hard to do! I mean I plan events for a living! My whole life is an event and I cannot even plan it! How much sense does that make? (I am smiling as I write this).

So, what do I do? I have reflected back to my Heart vs Head blog. Thinking with my head is very much planning things out. Thinking with my heart is a fly by the edge of my seat type of thing. The problem becomes satisfying both factions (I am such a typical Gemini). However, I have decided to follow my heart with everything I do. I KNOW I said that I would follow my head, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I am just tired of all games and all the rules. I need to just be me and that starts with doing things that feel right. The biggest advice I give to people is, “in the end, everything will work itself out”, I need to heed my own advice.

I will rebuild my life and my heart. I will learn to love the simple things in life again. I will learn to forgive myself and others. I will solve this riddle. But, until then I will remain an enigma to myself.
death, heart, my life

Head vs Heart

I have been thinking about this topic all weekend. When making decisions we are always considering following our hearts. Then there is the thought about following our heads. I always find it amazing that there can be such a difference from following our hearts rather than following our heads. Some people may do this easier than most. They can balance the two factions within us. I am not sure that I have done a great job of this.

I am a person who just thinks way too much. Yet, I seem to follow my heart way too much when it comes to love and life. My head takes a back seat sometimes because many times I follow what feels right to me. The more I think about it, I seem to do that a lot. Especially, with my students. As hard as I can be with them, I seem to give them chances at redemption with either employment or grades. I like to think that I generally care and maybe I do, too much.

When I do not act with my heart, I will analyze my choices and decisions so much. I try to justify something I have done and thus overload my brain with thoughts. I have made many decisions based on the what I thought was right rather that what I felt was right. Of course when that happens I become OCD. I starting thinking about “what if” scenarios, which is never good.

To be honest, I would rather make a decision based on heart rather than head. I have always been that way. I tend to not have a headache when I make a wrong decision that was based on something I thought about, but when I make a wrong decision based on heart…then well I get into a whole world of heartache. However, despite the chance of heartache…the rewards for successfully following your heart tend to be greater.

Not to say that I don’t get a heartaches from making a mental mistake. It just easier to get over. When I talk about heartaches, I am talking about the feeling that we may all get, that is right in middle of our chest that no drug can take care of. To me, that is one of the worse pains I can go through. My estimation is a broken heart is worse than a migraine. At least with a migraine I can sleep it off, not so much with heartache. The pain from a broken heart seems to last for a very long time.

I bring all this up because it seems like death is all around us these days. We tend to forget the little things in life that bring us joy. We tend to take for granted the people in our lives because we simply believe they will always be there. Nothing hits more than reading Lisa Marie Presley’s blog about Michael Jackson. It is never too late to tell someone you care about them. While I personally believe life can be long…not everyone gets to live a long life. Steve McNair is a great example of that. He was a year older than me!

Lord knows that I have been trying to live my life for me over the last few months. There have been times that have been difficult and challenging. Opportunities will continue to appear at my feet, but sometimes I wonder if following my heart at this stage of my life is still the smart thing. I think that I have gone down paths that I have still not fully recovered from, so why follow my heart now? Right now my head is steering the ship in my life. My heart is taking the backseat, I just wonder if that changes the person I am.
death, Friendship, Michael Jackson, money, my life, New York Mets

MyMindIsRacing

It has been a very long month. I cannot seem to focus on anything. I have tried to come up with a decent blog today, but it is just not happening. I also did not want to skip today either. I need to write in order to express myself. I know I am at a crossroads in my life and I am finding it difficult to take that next step.

This goes beyond moving on and letting go. This has to do with stability, that is so hard to come by in this recession. I am really starting to see how all this stuff is starting to effect me. Gas is getting too expensive again and that is making it hard to just make trips to New York City. Of course, once I get there, it would be hard not to spend money. I find myself shopping at the dollar store (which, I should have been doing all along). Things are just so tight lately that I feel constricted.

Personally, I am dealing with so many things. The loss of a marriage. The loss of a good friend. The loss of Michael Jackson. It seems like this month has been a total loss for me. I wont mention becoming 35 and the fact that the New York Mets cant seem to get a win when I need it the most. This also seems like the month that everyone is dying in, so that is never good. I am trying to find the little the things that can keep me going.

There are things I am looking forward to. I am going to Florida in 2 weeks. This will be a treat for me and I hope to have fun with my parents. I will definitely blog about them and the heated pool (my father doesn’t like the water to be too cold…yet I sweat in the damn water). I have my grad school classes to look forward to. I will also say that I miss my students. They tend to give me more energy than I give them credit for.

The point is…I need June to be over..