Anthony Otero

goals, my life, reflections, resolutions

Resolutions

Over the last couple of days, I had to really look back and ask myself what do I really want for this new year. Before the years was up, I really did not think about 2011 and what I may have in store of it. Alas, I did not want to get to a point where I felt I was just coasting through life. I need to make sure that I do everything I can to ensure my happiness even in times when I feel the most lazy.

I could have done many things better last year. I know that my biggest enemy is myself. It is like that for so many students that I see who come through my door. We tend to be our worst enemies because success is not an easy thing to attain. It is damn hard and many times it is easier to make excuses rather than battle through whatever obstacle is in our path. I feel that I have been lazy last year. I was so busy waiting for things to happen that I lost sight of many goals. I cannot do that anymore. Even as I type this, I know how hard it is to stay motivated.

So for the sake of my sanity, yesterday, I created a list of resolutions that I need to work on for 2011. These are not superficial things. These are things that I need to do in order to get back to the essence of me. I have always been able to look at the potential of others, now I have to look at my potential. I have struggled to recognize my worth for the longest time and now that I have gotten a sense of that, I need to figure the perimeters of my potential.

I want to start by clearing my credit card debit. Now, my debt as whole is larger that just credit cards, and a lot of that is due to owning a home, but I want to concentrate on this seemingly small portion because I need to put my money to better use. I think that by doing this I can afford more and worry less. Now that I have three roommates, I think that I can fulfill this goal fairly easily. Do not get me wrong, I am not paying them all off and then discarding them, I want to pay them off and continue use them responsibly. Now that I am fully living the single life, I need to live a little more and have my money work for me.

Although I have been in relatively good health, I feel the need to get back to the work out regime that I had in 2009. I need to start running 3-4 times a week like I used to. I would use just about anything as an excuse to not run. I need to stop that. For months now I have been concerned that perhaps I started putting the weight back on that I lost 2 years ago. I have attributed my lack of soda drinking to my weight loss so the least thing that I have done is to continue to stop drinking it. However, I still feel that I may gained some back.

The funny thing is my pants still feel and look the same. So I do not feel a tightness, however, I feel like perhaps my shirts can be too small. Granted I am probably thinking too deeply into this because I am still relatively slim but, as I get older, things like diabetes and blood pressure may become an issue. In any case, I had to face whatever this feeling was that perhaps I am gaining weight back. When I was in Harvard last week, I weighed myself. I am 167 lbs and I was shocked. I am still relatively the same weight. Maybe my shirts are shrinking…

…the next day when I was having dinner with 2 of my paternal aunts, one mentioned that I am not as slim as I was last year. I heard that and I said to myself. I need to run.

I then thought about how quickly the 2 year anniversary of this blog is coming. I feel that I have at times neglected this site as well as my writing due to my laziness. I need to always make sure that I am on my game. Which is why I have decided to shoot for a goal of at least 175 blogs for 2011. That is about 15 entries a month until the end of the year (I rounded up). I need to push myself further so I make this be happy about what I can do with my writing. I know that I have used my tumblr account strictly for my poetry…but that may not be the case anymore. I think that site has become a whole another animal entirely.

With the thought of increasing the number of entires per month it is only natural that I think about broadening my audience. I would like to get more followers. I am not sure how I am going to do this. I feel that this blog is a product of me. I think that I share my stories and my journeys because I want to leave my mark on the world. However, I still know that I write for me and not for others and yet I want more people to follow me. I think that is just the nature of being a writer. I want people to read what I write with the understanding that I am not here for anyone in particular.

However, I am enjoying so very much the interactions I get on Facebook and I would love to continue that. I feel that I can get ideas from the people who read me. Often times when I am thinking about what to write it can almost be like a conversation and in many ways the Latinegro page has allowed me to have that conversation. So, I want more followers because I feel that I want more people to join into whatever conversation that I am having on here.

The final goal has been an on-going goal since 2009. I need to move back to NYC. I think in many ways I have been lazy about that to. Not that I have lost the desire, but more that I think I lost a little bit of hope last year. When I ended my last entry for 2010 I said that I wanted to hope more and dream less because I think I thrive on hope. While dreams are something we all have, I think people can spend too much of their time dreaming and less time living. I plan on getting back on my grind and getting back to NYC as soon as possible.

reflections

Last Decade until the Next…

Last of 2010 and I have been thinking about my life all day. I made a very brief trip to Harvard yesterday with my cousin because she had some errands to do. Neither one of us wanted her to drive alone so I went along for a nice ride. I have to admit that I do like Harvard. I didn’t see as much of it as I should have but, that will be another reason to go and see her again in the future. Maybe it will be one of my first trips of 2011.

I wasn’t going to write anything tonight but I decided to because I am somewhat disappointed in myself. I wanted to finish the year with 150 blogs and clearly that will not be happening. I wanted to at least do one more entry before the year ends so, as usual, I am writing from the heart.

I haven’t really thought about any resolutions, which is odd for me. I have been on survival mode for such a long time that there is narrow view of where I want to go. I don’t want to think that the difference between this year and last year was 50+ blogs because I think there were many posts in 2009 that were straight up trash in my opinion. However, I think that since I am always in a constant state of thought, it now takes me longer to figure what I am going to write about without repeating myself.

I am also disappointed in myself because my bio for Sara Lawrence College is killing me. I am up to my third draft because the other two versions sound like short story. So I have decided to make mine sound like I have an entry in Wikipedia. Once I started doing this I realized how much I hate writing this way. Plus, I am 36 years old and I have a lot of story to tell! I have to squeeze everything into a 1000 words.

What also has not escaped my attention is the fact that one decade has ended. I think about my last 10 years and I can barely fathom the fact that I have known people who have been born and other people who have died. I have witnessed many tragedies and lived through one. But me being married and divorced within this decade, I am not sure I would have ever foreseen that a decade ago.

Then I think about where my heart has been over that same amout of time. I think about my maturity level. I am a totally different person. I have learned so much that I have trouble keeping it all straight. So not only do I not have a resolution for this New Years…but I am looking into the next decade with no exceptions. I have a literal clean slate that I can do anything with and it is kinda scary.

The only think I can so do is just try my best to be a better version of myself. I think I would like to start hoping more and dreaming less. Happy New Year!

Hip-Hop, music, my life, Wu-Tang Clan

Can I get a Wu-Tang?

Today is the Wu-Tang Concert that I am going to. I have made this event pretty well known on Twitter and on my personal Facebook page. I am very excited to go because this is the first time I am attending a concert outside of Syracuse in a very long time.

I do not express my love for hip hop nearly as much as I should on this blog. I consider myself a fan of older hip hop than of it’s current version. But, there are some individuals and groups that I would pay to see over and over again. Clearly, Wu-Tang Clan falls into this category. I find it funny because I love their music but I do not look like the typical hip hop fan in my opinion. People joke and call me professor (especially with my new glasses) but I quickly remind people that I grew up in the Bronx, where hip hop started.

I will always say that I feel privileged enough to be around when a culture was born. Even though I was really young when this whole thing started, I still saw how the world of music change around me. I make fun of my brother because he is seven years my elder and I can remember the funky clothes he used to wear while carrying that boom box he got on his 15th birthday. The hip hop culture is something that was always a subject that the both of use could relate to, even when things were not going well.

I feel that Wu-Tang Clan represents everything I wanted in Hip Hop at the time. The beats were crazy and the lyrics were sick. Since I used to watch Kung Fu flicks when I was in a kid, it only made the entire experience more enjoyable. I can remember back in my college days that my roommate and I would go back in fourth blasting CDs. He would blast The Notorious B.I.G (before his CD came out…) and I would pump Wu-Tang’s first album. It never got old and we loved every minute of it. This is also a time when you can buy an album and love the majority of songs on it. I find that to rare these days in any genre.

There was something about this group back in the 90’s, when I was in college, that represented a sense of freedom to me. I was away from my parents and I was loving life in the best way I could. Now, almost twenty years later, I can say that I almost feel the same way. I can go to this concert as my last act of freedom in 2010 and to usher in 2011 as a free single man that can do whatever he pleases.

The one thing I will try not to do is to not be too critical of the venue or the show in the technical aspect. The worst part about being an event planner and working so may concerts is that someone like myself be can critical of the staff. I will try my best to just enjoy the show!

poetry, reflections

Poetry: My Top 5 of 2010

These 5 are a combination of the what spoke to me as well as feedback that I received. It is very strange to actually go back and read these. Because I know where my mind was when I wrote them. If I had a choice I would start with these in any shows I may do in the future. Mind you, I sorted these out from 15 poems I felt were good…

My Love Affair

I am in love with you again

we used to see each other

all the time

but, I had to break it off

make a clean cut

you were violated

and I hated

that I could not deal

your appearance is forever

altered and it took me

such a long time

to even like you again

so I left you

with a goal to never

to go back to you

we had to move on

I had to follow my goals

the problem is

I never forgot

all the great days

all the train rides

all the baseball games

all the trips I took to see

you in all your glory

I would only visit on holidays

I liked the way you looked

in all your special ways

you flirted

to get my attention

and yes, I must mention

I liked it

but i tried

to push that aside

because you don’t need me

but lately

It is I, that needs you

it has been so hard

reading about you online

seeing you on tv

hearing about you on the radio

I even look at that old photo

It is clear

we are meant to be together

I cannot keep this lie with me

being in you is my destiny

each visit with you

has been a secret affair

that I can barely contain

my attraction to you,

I can barely explain

but I have no expectations

of what we have become

I may beg to to be

with you, so please no pity

I love you because you are beyond pretty

I love you because your style is so gritty

Most of all,

I love you because you are New York City

My Butterfly (English Version)

My beautiful butterfly
how I yearn
to see your wings
I am in love
with your flight
you live within
the flowers
that grow
from my heart
the flutter of
your wings
match the beat
of my heart
My butterfly
you are beautiful
in every way
your shape
your form
I want to
fly with you
and share the sky
until the sun sets
and share the
moonlight
until your wings tire
my beautiful butterfly
nothing comes close
as watching you
spread your wings
I may not be able
to keep you
but I will always
love you

Mask

Alternate persona
I show you
what I want you to see
my secret identity
is hidden behind
my refined mask
of sarcasm and wit
I grow tired of giving a shit
for the callous
and the self absorbed
those who live in glass houses
and repeatedly judge
my mask is for
your protection
not mine
a hardening muscle

that can turn to stone
beating in my chest
its use is practical
no one needs to see
underneath the mask
the outer shell
has it’s own story to tell
emotions release
with ease
the sleeve
is dirty from
the wear and tear
people assume they
know me
because I have
no pokerface
they do not know
we are not even
playing the same game
I am playing
truth or dare
without the latter
no need to dare me
about the truth
it wont matter
I am past the lies
that men tell
I am past the games
women play
I am past the past
so I need
to wear this mask
and an invisible cape
to help me escape
the revelation
that you are not
on my level

Manipulator

Playing games
is what you do
playing hearts
while disguising the truth
pretending to be aloof
when it was all you
pulling the strings
to this puppet show
a manipulator
in this
marionette opera

with songs being sung
of “whoa is me”
with a tissue
in one hand
and a machete
in the other
using your curves
and your words
to pursue your motives
both ulterior
and interior
but on the exterior
your game fools
only but a few
I can see the
strings and where
they go
every move and twitch
made by your puppet
hides the truth
that you are a bitch
that plays hearts
in a game of spades
operating on your
own set of rules
to obtain an audience
your affinity for drama
makes you a
puppet master
that gets the
reaction you want
with the puppet you flaunt
while never taking heed
that even
a master can bleed
the strings you hold
so tight
will one day bite
and when the show is over
and the curtain falls
your puppet
will see your flaws
a false Gapedo
nothing but ghetto
it will be your nose
that grows
with every lie that flows
from a mouth
that you use
to eat your puppet’s soul
and swallow another man’s pole
a manipulator!
I see your strings
and how they
attach
to a now wooden toy
who used to be a real boy
pray this opera
never ends
and he never gets a clue
because the curtain
will fall on you

Intensity

Deep
Flowing
Intensity
like a well oiled
machine
you do not need
a quarter to ride me
you just need
the hips
lights out
above the blankets
dancing the dance

entering your doorway
of blissful
exuberance
warm
wet
dripping with sweat
heaven is meant
to be just
like
this
lets die like this
seal it with a kiss
send it with a bite
pull away
to capture a moment
of closeness
you will ever be
to being one being

and you try not to flinch
when you feel every inch
of passion
that makes every
hair on your body
stand up
back arching
muscle tightening
intensity
that will make
you remember that
there is a God.
Perfection is
met when
two people
cum together
for that
one moment
of intense
satisfaction
that is only achieved
by a heavenly body
open your eyes
to your surprise
heaven can be
real hard
to gain
but not tonight
take one more bite
of this Intensity

my life, reflections

Reflections of 2010

It is funny that I find myself here again reflecting on the past year. I stated last year that I felt the year went by slowly and feel the same way again this year. I am not sure why that is. Perhaps I have been able to take note of what is going on in my life via this blog or perhaps I am trying to stop and smell the roses along my journey.

One thing is for certain, 2010 was definitely better than 2009. I think about all the things that I have been through and all the personal victories that I can claim. while this was the year my divorce process started and was completed, it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would have been when the year started. There is no personal vendetta in this equation and it works. However, I am amused that other people harbor negative feelings about the end of our marriage as if it had anything to do with them.

I set out to explore more of my poetic side this year and I am so very glad to find that I am better at poetry than I thought. I think I must have written close to 50 poems this past year. I have not counted how many but I think I am so what close that number. During the process of the the 30 for 30 poems, I think I really found something creative within that is making look onward to 2011. It has not escaped me that I haven’t written many poems over the last few months and couple that with the fact that my poems are generally in a different site all together, I am going to put my top 5 poems that I wrote this year on this blog.

I also spent a lot of time on the cultural side of things. I dedicated the month of February to Afro Latinos. I enjoyed doing that so much but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I felt that my lack of knowledge of this subject really showed and I was not proud of that fact. However, I also feel that I taught myself so much when it come to Afro Latinos that it all balanced out in the end. What I did like very much was when I did the 30 Day Latino Blog Challenge. This was an undertaking that provided me with attention that I did not expect. This was another challenge I put upon myself that I took seriously. In the end, it provided me with a glimpse of what I want to do in the future.

My speech at Utica College showed me that I can do two things: speak publicly about anything without seeming like a fool and read my own poetry without seeming like a fool. This made me very happy. Not only did I get paid for something that I love to do, but they audience actually listened to me and responded. I am not sure that it will always be like that but I do want to find out. Because of this experience it has made me realize that I really need to go back to school. Which is why I am currently working hard on my application to Sarah Lawrence College. I would love to be professor and help cultivate the art of writing for those who love it as much as I do.

I also cannot forget my trip to the Dominican Republic. This was something that I will never forget, not just because of the wedding, but because of the timing. I needed to escape all my issues and just be in a place where nothing matters. I was with family and friends and they all related to me. I can remember the times I looked out into the ocean and thought about how beautiful it was and how fortunate I was to be there to see it.

All and all, I think I had a very good year. I think I explored myself the most during this year. 2009 highlighted the pain of my journey and I would like to think that 2010 highlighted the hope of my continuing journey. I continue to check off things from my list of goals, like getting roommates, and I will continue to do for me. I think the fact that I added a facebook profile to this page also helps me interact to those who read this blog. I am very grateful and I look forward to carving out what 2011 means to my journey.

Lunar Eclipse, Winter Solstice

Winter Solstice Eclipse

Red Moon Rising…this was amazing to watch.

There are very few times in which one can get to watch something truly amazing. Science is usually one of those fields that is heavily based on theories and hypotheses. Astronomy has always been a favorite of mine and I had often thought how cool it would be to be an astronomer. Of course, to be one I would have to have the required math skills to at least get through calculus and that never happened. But, I know what a lunar eclipse was and how special it is to witness one…especially when it coincides with the Winter Solstice.

The last time something like this happened was in 1638 and it will not happen again until 2094. Now unless they cure old age, I am doubting that I will make the next one. This almost like the fuss people made over Haley’s Comet in 1986…which is something I never got to see and since the next appearance is not until 2061, I will probably miss that one too.

One thing is for certain is that a lunar eclipse is a wonderful sight to see. A red moon is very scary to look at without knowing why it is that way of course. The earth’s shadow combined with sun rays bent through the atmosphere give the moon a dark reddish appearance that will make it appear that we are in for some rough times ahead. Yet, it makes us realize that even the moon, as high as it is above us must also hide behind shadows once in a while.

As I stared in the sky on this cold night, I thought about all the people who have walked this planet who may have witnessed what I am witnessing. I am sure that older cultures thought that the red moon represented death or that perhaps God was angry. There is also talk about a blood moon in the book of revelations as well. So the thought of the moon being anything other than white was considered a bad thing (go figure). I also thought about all the people who were missing this. I then thought about all the people who were watching it. This was a shared event on a global scale…well at least this for the part of the globe that can see the moon.

The nature of the moon and the stars above are indeed heavenly. It makes me think how much of a fool I am to stress over the things in life that are just so minuscule compared the vastness of the universe. I worry about money and what I am doing with my life. I stress over love and the lack of it or the simple fact I may never truly achieve everything I want to in my life. All this is so small compare to the billions upon billions of stars in the sky.

I am sure right now…somewhere in this galaxy or the next, a star…a real star in being born. A remnant of the big bang that created the universe so long ago. With that star are other planets that require this new star to provide warmth, light, and life to the various surfaces and landmasses that are on these heavenly spheres that will eventually surround and orbit this brand new star. On the flip side, I am sure right now…somewhere in this galaxy or the next, a star is dying and will go supernova. With that supernova there are planets that will die as well. The end of the their world as we know it. So, who am I to worry about if some chick is going to text me when I should be glad that I am alive and can contribute to the universe.

This lunar eclipse is a reminder that we cannot take for granted the things around us. Life is precious and nature is beautiful, humanity has a way of destroying everything it touches, including ourselves. Yet, we think it is more important to waste our lives on the trivial without taking into consideration that we are every bit apart of every star that has been born in this universe. The universe gives back to us what we give to it. Some people call it Karma. Others call it the work of God. In either case, we are children of the universe and I think it is about time we start acting like it.

men, relationships, women

Simple Men

I feel like I have been doing research on this topic for about a month now. Much of it has been contemplation and another part has been observation. With the new year not too far away, I know I need to seriously look at myself and this brand new path that has been put in front of me. Being single is only a title; a social construct to state a purpose that I no longer have a wife. Truth be told, the day she left, I considered myself single. However, once it become official in the state of New York, I still felt different. I am just not sure how.

I do feel that I have been given the ability to understand 3 worlds all at once. The married life, the divorced life, and the single life. It is at this point that one can begin to see that when you know someone who lives solely in any of these 3 worlds, they have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to relationships. People will swear that they know how it is to be a certain situation but as never been through the fire of a bad break nor a divorce. However, I tend to be understanding to those people who have issues with their partner.

Let’s be real here. I do not have many male friends and out of the ones that I do have, none of them confide in me about their relationship issues. I have had very few male students come and talk to me about their girlfriends…yet they want to know who I am hooking up with. Most of my friends are women and they tell me their issues about men and in some cases, boys, all the time. This allows me to learn from the dumb shit that some of these guys do while giving out advice that is usually on point but hardly listened to.

I have touched upon this before. Men and women think differently. Women think too much and men do not think enough which leads into generalizations by all. I have no problem saying that men are dumb. We are because we don’t think the same way. We think in a straight line and will always be concerned with what is in front of us. What that means is that we let go of shit much quicker because women think more circularly. They consider everything and are often times 2-3 steps ahead of us.

Which brings me to my point. Men are simple. We love what we like and we hate what we don’t like. The only thing a woman needs to do is figure out the ego. If he is an asshole, do not expect change. If is an nice guy, do not expect change. The only thing that changes in this equation is the ego. A fragile ego is the worse thing that can happen to any man. He likes the ego stroked but not patronized. If at any point a woman has emasculated him, he might be a problem for a long time. Most men are every bit as insecure as women are. I consider men to be like a 2000 piece puzzle that can be solved bit by bit and as long as you find the end pieces first…you will solve the puzzle.

Women are complicated. We all know this and I love them for it. I consider women to be the 3D puzzles that takes forever to put together (and has like a 2-3 missing pieces). A brilliant woman is the only woman I can see myself with. I have come to the conclusion that I am done trying to figure them out. I will just take things as them come. However, I know that even I have had the comments that I am complicated and unpredictable. I really do not think I am. What I have noticed from the some of the women I have had the privilege to meet is that many women over think certain things.

I just think all of us need to be careful in not generalizing one gender or another. Often times I put up questions on the latinegro facebook page that has to do with men and women and I see that some people feel strongly about how complicated men are. Some feel that generalizing is the way to go. All I will say is that if you set the expectation that all men/women lie then this is what you get…liars. It is like a self fulfilling prophecy. No woman who believes all men are bad will be able to tell the good from the bad because the dial on the expectation meter is always set to fail.

Men are simple. The younger we are the dumber we are. The older we are the more mature we appear. But, if you are the type of woman who thinks that men are shit and women do no wrong…you will be in for a very lonely existence…

Christmas List, nintendo wii, running, The Walking Dead

Christmas List 2010

‘Tis the season to look at what is on sale. I still have no idea what I am going to get certain people in my life. I have already bought one gift and I know what I am getting my nephew, but that is about it. I am struggling trying to figure what to get my dad and I may have to get my mother something (I don’t know). But, as I see all the things on sale and think about all the holiday parties I am going to this week (with all the gift giving), I think about what it is I would love to get.

I did this last year, I listed 5 things that I would love to get that I expect no one to get but me. This is sort of a goal I set for myself on things I will get in the following year. The funny thing is that 3 of my items last year I did end up getting as gifts, which I did not expect.

So, below are 5 things I will work on getting for 2011. This is my first Christmas in 8 years, in which I am officially single and it should be very interesting:

I am not trying to get a gold one…lol

The first on this list was the very first thing on my list last year: A Macbook. As you can see this is something I did not end up getting this year. There were other things that took precedence like food and mortgage. Interestingly enough, these computers are still very expensive and I really thought about getting a small one, but after talking to someone who has a Macbook, it is better if i get the more expensive one because of the memory. I am still using my old Dell laptop but I really have to get something else. However, as much as I can say that I may need this, the truth is…this is not a necessity. I will still work hard on getting it though.

Kindle or Nook???

Number two on the list is the same as last year as well but, there is a bit of a difference. I listed a Kindle from Amazon last year because I thought it was really cool. However, there is this thing called the Nook by Barnes & Noble that is just as good. I need to figure out which one is better, but since I love Barnes & Noble, I am feeling a pull toward the Nook. Of course, It does not help that I know someone who has a Nook. I am informed on a semi regular basis how awesome it truly is. It may just help me in this new Book Club venture that I am a part of.

This look so sexy!

This next item is just something that I have had before. I often joke that I lost this in the settlement to my ex wife in the divorce. The third on my list is a Nintendo Wii. I just happen to be out and about on Black Friday when I saw the Black Wii on sale at Best Buy. I really had to walk away. I have games for Wii that are just collecting dust. The Wii was something that I bought for her years ago, so when she left, she clearly took it with her. I have no games systems newer than the PS2 and I havent really been craving to play games until I went out on Black Friday. So, now I have an urge to just play.

Last year, the fourth item on my list was dress shoes and I ended up getting two pairs. Now, I want to stick with that theme and say that I need to get a new pair of running shoes. I have worn my old pair out and I need to get back to what worked for me. I have stopped running and I need to get back into that old habit. Much of that has to do with my business. I mean, I have gone to the gym to get my workouts in, but I know that I need to get back to running. I am not sure what kind of pair I want, I just know that I need a good pair.

Last, but least. I would like to get into some good graphic novels. Since I am have stopped getting comic books on a regular basis, I can still read them in graphic novel form. “The Walking Dead” is something I want to get into. There are several graphic novels under this title and I want to get them all. “Y: The Last Man” is something I borrowed a few years ago. It was a very good series and I would like to get back into that. They are a good way to keep me into comic books without actually collecting them week to week. Even if I do not get those particular titles, I know there will be others to fall into my lap at some point.

This list was not as hard to come up as the last one was. I think I have come to the realization that I have indeed made some sacrifices that I have affected my livelihood. Material things may not make me happy…but they help.

divorce, my life, reflections

A New Chapter

If I had to tell a tale of my 30’s , it would be a tale of struggle, new experiences, opportunities gained, opportunities lost, and a road to a new chapter. My dear friends, my divorce is now final. My ex wife made the phone call to me this evening as I was dozing off. She told me that she received the letter today in the mail. I was in that sleepy shock.

There was a moment in which we were both silent over the phone. I think that was the moment in which we reflected on the last 8 years of marriage and 10 years of knowing each other. I am always amazed about how overwhelming finality can be. We all seem to underestimate how it feels to actually end anything. Is it no wonder that when athletes end their career it often times, ends in tears. While there were no tears for this I think there was mutual feeling that we finally ended something in our own terms and not in the way most people wanted.

Thus it is a start of a new chapter for me. I was 26 the last time I was truly single. I feel that with all this experience I have, I can write this new chapter of my life with very few issues. Which, in terms of writing, comes at a very good time considering that I do have to write an autobiography in about 1500 words for Sarah Lawrence College. I am more confident in the things that I want to do. I feel like I take care of myself better. The best part is that I don’t feel like I need a girlfriend. The possibility of me being alone is no longer a fear for me.

I feel that I have recognized all the things that I have done wrong and have done everything in my power to correct… me. What is funny to me is that the finalizing of this divorce comes at a time in which I normally reflect on the past year. Instead, I reflect on the past decade as I venture into the next one.

People have taken the time to congratulate me on this and while I am on my fifth glass of wine I can say, I am not sure that this is inappropriate. I do not think that people are celebrating a failure of a marriage but a creation a new journey for me. It is like have a celebration for a phoenix, a life cycle that is turbulent and ends in flames but then is reborn from the ashes…

Facebook, mother, my life

Child Discipline or Abuse

This was my picture on Facebook to support child abuse.

Before I even begin I want to give a shout out to Brooke, who started this thought process for me on this topic. She wrote a very good blog post earlier today that made me think about a few things.

I really didn’t talk much about Thanksgiving this year. I did not talk about that week at all outside of Sarah Lawrence. I was in my own world doing my own thing and I know that it appears to some that I may have blown people off, but it is simply not that simple. But, if I can cut a small piece of that week out for all to view, it will be spending the holiday with my mother and that side of the family.

It is always interesting times to go over there. My aunt lives in Riverdale, which is a very upscale part of the Bronx. This was one of the few places in the Bronx where I spent some time living because Riverdale was spot number 2 that we moved to once my mom left my dad. It is really not a bad area, however, this was the first place I was called a nigger by a white kid and I have been thinking about my identity ever since (a story for another time).

The issue for that day was who was I going to go with. Was I going to go with mom or my brother? I ended up driving myself because at the end of the day, I would rather have the option of leaving when I wanted. Plus, I had another stop to make (benefits of having a big family…options and other places for food!). There is always a bit of trepidation when I am going to family gatherings because you never know. My history with that side of the family is an extension of my relationship with my mother. So, I had to be cautiously optimistic.

Dinner started as soon as I got there because I was the last one. It was not my fault it took me almost an hour to find parking in Riverdale. The food was good. We laughed and ate, things were merry. In fact, I ate so much that I was about to pass out. I wanted to sleep so bad! I decided to walk around and play with my smaller cousins and nephew.

Then desert came and we started this discussion. The kids were a little rowdy, but I know I have seen worse. One of older my cousins, who has no children, starts talking about how people need to discipline their children more otherwise these kids will run rampant. I knew what she was saying. The adults want to be adults and the kids need to be curbed. Somehow we got on this conversation about some kids need to get a beat down but the laws are so strict that kids these days like to threaten their own parents with calling child services. The running joke was of course, the kid would be like “I am going to call the police” and the parent would respond something like “Go Ahead…they can keep you” or “You wont make it to the phone” (all of this was amusing..trust me)

Let me just say that I know I wasn’t the best kid in the world. I used to get hit to and for the most part I deserved it. My grades sucked, I broke stuff, I would not listen, and I just could not get my shit together. So there was no surprise to me that my mother chimes in at some point and talks about how she used to beat me. We laughed as she told the story about how she chased me around the house and finally caught me in my bedroom. I started screaming for my dog, Bosco (which was this big wolf like dog). He comes running in and jumps on my mother! Then he realizes who it was he just tackles and runs out the room in a hurry. I remember this and it was very hysterical.

Then there were more stories and I started thinking… I can remember getting hit more by her than her hugging me. Now, I am not saying I was abused. I would argue that I was not. But, it forces me to think about all my relationships with women. One of my aunts told me that my mother had no patience with me many times and her anger would come out easily. I realize that I strive so hard for the approval of women and I take a lot of “abuse” when I don’t have to.

I bring this up because over the past week there have been many people changing their Facebook profile pictures to cartoon characters of their youth to promote child abuse awareness. The premise is to relive happy memories of our younger days. While some people have said that this is silly because it wont stop the abuse of children, I am for it because child abuse is wrong. Giving money wont stop child abuse either, but at least more people will be aware that some kids are born to some really bad parents.

Back to me. I am not saying that my mother was this abusive woman, but I was once for hitting kids when they were unruly. I am not so sure anymore. People do not seem to realize how fragile a relationship with a child is. The foundation of all relationships are laid when are children. If there are issues with this foundation, it will be something that kids will be dealing with for the rest of their lives.