Writing Challenges

I continue to amaze myself. April is always been a busy month for me and I have been able to maintain my poems for the first 6 days. As I write this I have not even started the 7th yet. It is true what they say about never being too old to learn about yourself.  I considered myself a person that can only really do poetry when I was emotional. That has not been the case lately.

Right now the real challenge is managing my normal writing while continuing to do poetry. I want this challenge of course because this puts me to the test. I want to be able to extend myself with my writing to places I have never been. While there are people who get paid to write, it does not make them better or love it any more. I do this for the love of the art and want to hone the skill in case I ever do get paid for this ability.

I will tell you that for those who are not following me regularly, I think you might missing out on some things. I am very impressed with my poetry. I made that commitment to do the 30 Poems in 30 days because I need to really explore if i can in fact be the true literary artist I believe I can be. The first 3 poems came out very quickly and to be honest, I wrote them all in one night. This gave me time to think about Poem #4: My Love Affair. I could not think of any thing to write until I got home and thought about the one thing that I really want in my life right now, which is to return home.

After writing that, Poem 5: I Remember was more of a natural progression since I spent some of my best years in New York City. I just find it interesting constructing these verses based on pure effort and not emotional investment. When I get my emotions involved, I can write a poem in a matter of minutes and have not worry about syntax or rhyme. It just come out just the way I mean it to.

Right now, I am bouncing back between this blog entry and what is Poem #7: Why Men Lie. I am just thinking about all the lies I have told and the reasons. I am also thinking about the men I know and heard about that have done worse things than me. I very much believe there is a connection there and I am trying to explore that.

It seems that I have a very healthy addiction. Lately, I have need to keep my mind occupied with some thing other than my pursuit to leave Syracuse. The job search is not going as well as I would like. I am coming to some conclusions that I cannot express at this time. However, I will take steps to continue to improve the way I represent myself. I am not the type of person to give up and I have set goals that I need to make.

On a good note: tomorrow I completely pay for my trip to the Dominican Republic! I am quite excited!

Ulterior Motives

Last night I was watching Carlos Mencia, as evidence by the clip above. Every so often I wonder what is going on with the women in my life. Nothing ever seems like what it is. There always something extra that I cannot figure out. Or better yet, maybe there isn’t anything extra but I am being lead to believe something else. Whatever the case is, none of this is new. This has always been the way of the world. As a man, I have never understood women and I am not sure that I ever will.

I will be the first person to admit that men are assholes. I will say that men think differently than women. We think linearly and never really think about what we do and how it effects people around us. Women think circularly, which means they think in all different types of ways that men just never can.

Despite how funny this skit above is, the message is true. Women have ulterior motives when it comes to men. This is something that I have to remind myself constantly and as I write this it makes me angry because it means that my trust in women has to be evaluated. Now, before things get out of hand, I have to say most women and not all women in my life have to be looked at by me.

I do not have many male friends. I have a few because quite honestly because most guys I know are not on the same emotional level as I am. Do not get me wrong, I have very good friends who I can hang out with and talk lot of shit with. However, I cannot be real with them as I can with the women I know. But then I get into trouble because my perceived lack of character judgment. So if that is the case, then I have to look at everyone.

But my real question is, why is it that most women cannot be real? What is with the ulterior motives? Are you truly afraid of the judgment of men? Or are you looking for that one perfect human that may enter your life. I understand that women will ask a question wanting to get an answer they want to hear. I understand that if they do not get this answer that this must mean something. I also understand that this is crazy. When are we going to stop believing that everything that happens in movies are real?

I believe in the human spirit but I am not so sure I should anymore. I am still thinking that if I become the untrusting asshole that I know I can become that this will make my life easier to deal with. Not just deal with but lets think about it. How many assholes do you know that are chilling with all the things they want in life? It is that unrelenting lack of caring that makes them dominate their environment. That is why people who truly care about the welfare of other people do not make that much money.

Bottom line as I have been told by many women I know that women are ruthless. Right now the only thing I can control is myself and the situations I choose to be in. Honestly, men are dumb because we cannot see some of things that women want us to do. We cannot see the writings on the wall when they want us to. I can admit that much, however, some times it is just better for women to say what they want rather then have us figure out the mystery.

Broken Trust


Funny how life works. Last night I spent much of my time asking myself why do I do the things I do? Why do I place trust in certain people? Am I a bad judge of character? I would like to think I am not. I would like to think I am a trustworthy person who has made a numerous amount of mistakes in which I can learn from. Yet, it seems that I am at a point in which I have to evaluate my relationships with people because quite frankly I do not know whom to trust in my short circle of “friends”.

Which makes me wonder if I in fact place my trust in the wrong people. I will sit here and tell you right now that I do not have many real friends. My trust in people does vary from person to person. While my life is an open book on this blog, I do not share every intimate detail of my life or my job. I keep many things private and as a matter of fact, people will tell me that their first impression of me is that I am a guarded individual.

I am very much a person who believes in give and take. However, due to my nature, I seem to give a lot more than I take. This does not mean I trust more it just means that I have no problem being a nice guy in general. I think it takes a lot for me to consider anyone a friend. I think it takes a process of several years in order to really know someone well enough. There are rare occasions when this process may be sped up due to chemistry. This is where you meet someone and you get along so great from the start.

What my problem seems to be is that I am a great listener. If anyone I know, has an issue or a problem I will listen. It comes to a point where I become the person that people come to. The great thing about me is that you can tell me anything and I wont repeat it because in about a week I will have forgotten it. I know that sounds funny, but most times it is true.

To prove that I have a hard time trusting people, I will use Facebook as am example. As things with my separation starting becoming final and the situation between my ex-wife and I become more tense, I felt I needed to draw back. So I took the times to sort the list of my friends into groups. I already have my facebook set up with security settings, which means the average person cannot access my page the way people I have “friended” can. Essentially, I took the people who I felt that were questionable in my mind or who seemed to have a decent friendship with her and put them in my partial access list. So they could only see what I want them to see. This upset certain people because they felt that I should be able to trust them more.

What it comes down to right now is the my trust in someone was recently broken. I am not happy about it and I feel I need to evaluate. I am not so sure that I trust as easy as other people think because I don’t like many people in general. However, I do have faith in the human spirit which leads me down a path that ends up with me thinking I can trust those who I ultimately cannot. So who knows? I am angry, sad, hurt and right now bitter all rolled up into one. I do not like proving people right when it comes to whom I associate myself with.

I am losing faith in people. I get myself in trouble because of this faith. I would love to think that people would not be stupid enough to do the things they do. The funny part is I talk to people about how dumb other people are in general as if I couldn’t possible know any dumb people. Maybe my faith in people makes me dumb. Perhaps I am the dumb person that I talk about.

I am not happy right now. People suck and looks like I need to stop trusting people which goes against who I am.

Anger

The one emotion that has really owns me is anger. I do not want to make it seem as if I turn green when I get mad, but I know I become irrational. The good thing about it is that it never lasts for very long and it does not happen often. If it does last longer than normal, then that would only mean that whatever situation that has caused it is pretty bad. I will say that for the most part I am in a great mood all the time. My moods will change based on the people around me.

I do not consider myself a terribly sensitive person for the most part. I think that I have a world of patience. I think that, for the most part, I can control my reactions. I choose not to say certain things because I know I have the power hurt someone with my words. Of course, the more I hold it in, the more you will see it in face.

There are several things that can set me off. If you know me very well then you would know what buttons to push. When you push those buttons then my patience almost counts for nothing. I will say that people that I do not know do not have that power to anger me as much. People in general can annoy me, but it normally stops at annoyance. There are two main things that will set me off depending on who does them and what situation we are talking about: my voice being stifled and being blown off.

My voice being stifled is a big thing for me. I noticed over the years that if I cannot share my opinions or my feelings then I get very frustrated. I have no problem being called out or being told that I am wrong but, not being able to voice myself or express my opinion is a problem. This is universal for me. This will bother me in a relationship, at work, or in life in general. I have gotten into fits of rage because I keep getting cut off in a conversation. I have gotten very angry when a decision is being made without my opinion. All I need from people is to just understand what it is I am saying. That is why I love this blog so much. This is my voice.

The thing about being blown off has a lot to do with feeling unimportant. I know that I have blown people off. I tend to do it more often than I am willing to admit. This becomes an instance of who does this to me. If I hold you in high regard and you blow me off, then anger will ensue. The reason this bothers me so much as very much to do with the fact that I am always there for the people I regard as true friends, lovers, and family. While, I think that sometimes we all have a tendency to blow off those people we love, I know I give a lot of myself to people. I do not always get that in return. So the real question is, when I get blown off, who am I really mad at?

Many of my close friends have always felt that I have anger issues. Not because I get angry often, but more because I get upset at stupid shit. I have always been the type of person that hates to lose. I know I am a sore loser and I am ok with that. I always strive hard to win the battles I can. I also know that I can be a jealous person. I never noticed it as much when I was a kid or a young adult, but I can be very territorial with my friends. Not to mention that I can be jealous when it comes to women. I am not a violent person, but I know that I have been tempted a few times to take a swing at some people and that is based on disrespect.

So where is all this coming from? Why am I angry at the things I am angry about? I think it is all about my childhood and my teen years. I think there are certain situations that happen to me as an adult that bring up past aggression. Most things I can deal with. I use sarcasm and humor to deflect most things but others are not that easy.

Without going too deep with my early life I can say that there are a few things that stick out. I was picked on as a kid. So, I have felt very helpless when I was younger. My brother is 7 years older than me so growing up was hard because he was always too old to want to be with this younger brother. Most times he was with girls who he seems to like more than me and of course this bothered me. I will not forger to mention that he was a natural athlete and beat me in everything we competed against. There was also the divorce of my parents that really shaped who I was as a teenager. I had to choose between parents and ultimately chose my dad. This upset my mother leading her to disown me. Our relationship has not been the same since.

With ease, I can pick out all the issues with what I just wrote. When I talk about fear, I know many of these same issues will come out. Abandonment, helplessness, and the feeling that I am not important or inadequate. These are things that I deal with as an adult. I believe I deal with all of these well. But, many times they just come out of nowhere.

I do not like being angry or upset. I feel that I do not think or talk clearly. I usually try to give myself a cooling off period. I have never felt the need to hit anyone, however, if you make me angry enough then I will feel the need to hit or throw something. I have broken many things and then feel like complete crap for doing it.

The good things is, I know this about myself and I have been able to just stop myself. I just thank god that I am not a unhappy person in general. So do not worry I am still the sweet guy you all know and love. 🙂

Hiatus

With the exception of my post last Friday, I have been on a self imposed hiatus. There was no particular reason for other than to just think about my life and how I react to certain situations. I realize that I am a very emotional person. Funny thing is when I say the word “emotional” it gives me images of someone crying and that is not what I am trying to convey. However, being a highly emotional does mean an array of things, but more importantly my lack of control of them is what gets me in trouble.

I think it maybe time for me to look into the different emotions that I do carry around. I know that I have not explored them in length and as a man, I think I should. My hope is that by exploring certain aspect of my moods and behavior and I can try to find some answer to why I cannot seem to control my emotions when I need to.

I have found various ways to deal with them such as writing poems or exercising. These are activities that stimulate my mind and body enough to let me let go of anything I may be feeling. Sometimes those are not enough. I find myself shutting down when it gets to be too much and thus the hiatus.

Before you start wondering what may have happened, just know that nothing major or life threatening has take place to me or anyone I know. However, I am sensitive to the actions of others. I am very much conscience of my place in this world and my place in the lives of those who I care about. But, I think my problem is that I care too much.

One of my issues is that I have not acquired the ability to stop caring. I think that is something that I am going to need to learn quickly now that I am single again. Why? Because women love men that don’t give a shit (let’s be honest about that). Of course, this begins the argument that I have had with many women in the past that if I stop caring that would make me an asshole. Well, who do you think gets all the attention in the dating game? Do I have it in me not to care anymore? I think I need to find that out.

My other issue is something old. I over-think everything still. I want to say that I am not as bad as I used to be but, I think I do over-think things way too much. It is my opinion that over-thinking becomes fuel for emotion. It is also hard when I wear that emotion on my sleeve as evidence of what happened two weeks ago.

Over the the course of the next few weeks or how ever long it takes me, I will explore some basic emotions and how I deal or not deal with them. I want to be able to see what it is I could be doing better. Some of the things come to mind: Love, Anger, Sadness, Fear, Indifference, and Hope.

It is my sincere hope to discover somethings about myself. With that said, I just want to mention how much I love twitter. As I am writing this, I asked a question to my followers: For those who know me: Do you think I have the ability to stop caring anymore(i.e. become an a**hole)? The general consensus I have gotten so far is that I do not have that ability…interesting.

What If The Answer is Faith?

As I mentioned in my last post, sometimes I think about my dreams all day. Yesterday was no exception. Dreaming about driving a car with my eyes closed was what I assumed to be a message about not knowing my future. I felt this was a pretty safe answer. A part of me did think that perhaps I came up with this answer a little too quickly.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that perhaps I was little off about this. Sure, sometimes our dreams show us the things that are bothering us deep inside. Sometimes our dreams even give us clues to the answers we seek. Most of the questions we have in life we can answer ourselves. We are not always ready to admit them. It occurred to me that maybe my dream may not only be telling me that my future is uncertain, but maybe I need to have faith that I will not crash.

I thought about this when I remember that, in my dream, my eyes opened after I hit the breaks. I see that not as not having enough faith to believe that I just need to let fate guide me. Perhaps there is something in my that believes that my love life will crash and burn again. Maybe I feel I need to take control of it in order for this not to happen thus me putting on the breaks. However, I have crashed and burned so many times over with my eyes open.

Clearly driving requires control. Even though I do not consider myself a control freak, I have learned that in so many ways I have tried to control the outcome of whatever happens to me. I know that I am a versatile human being. I have the ability to adapt to any situation and any given time. However, when it comes to my love life, I have trouble just coasting.

Right now I am in a good place. I am single and I trying to fix me. I will be the first to say that anything is possible but I think that I am also be the first not believe that for myself. This is where I think this dream has come from. Dreams have many meanings an I am sure that this one has a few. I just need to have faith in myself.

Driving with My Eyes Closed

I am always fascinated with my dreams. Most times I wont remember them but other times I will remember parts. There are those times when my dreams stand out. Some can be so vivid that I cannot get them out of my head and end up thinking about them all day. The dreams that really matter the most to me are the ones that repeat. That is because then I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving my car with my eyes closed. This is the second time I had this dream. The first one was me falling asleep at the wheel and not being able to open my eyes. I was able to pull the car over and open my eyes. Funny thing about this was I was driving from the back seat. Eventually the cops pulled me over. The dream I had last night was similar. I was driving with my eyes closed but this time I was in the driver’s seat. I could not open my eyes and I did hit the breaks almost expecting to crash but I never did.

So, when I have a dream like this I normally think about my life and try to explain it to the best of my ability. I automatically feel that my dream is telling me that I am heading to an unknown future. That I have the ability to stop myself and open my eyes to go in a different way if I chose. I think that fact that I was not scared about crashing in either dream means that I have no fear of this unknown future. I am actually validated by this because not only did I say in the past that I am going to let fate take the wheel and see what happens, but I also said I had no fear of it.

Interestingly enough, I decided to get look up my dream on dreammoods.com. It seems that I am not too far off:

To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.

I agree with this assessment up to a certain point. I do have direction and a goal. Right now I am working hard on the job search and my goal is to return to the city of my birth. However, I have no direction in my love life. I have no goals right now and I am pretty much along for the ride. I think this is where the dream is stemming from.

I have thought about this very much. First, I want to say that I was smiling to myself this morning because I was trying not to talk about fate again this year, but I guess that is not going to happen. I stand firm that I need to concentrate on me this year. My main goal when it comes to my love life is to just sit and observe. I just need to watch what’s happening in the world around me. It is not just about the dating game but rather how to deal with women in general.

There was no reference to backseat driving on this site but I will venture a guess. Usually if you are dreaming about about being in a car and not driving it means you are not in control of the current path you on. I think the fact that in my first dream I was driving from the back seat means that I much as I may believe that I am not in control of my love life, I truly am. Perhaps the second dream is merely acknowledgment that I have indeed taken control of it although I have no clue where I am going.

Men Have Insecurities Too…

“People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams.” – Norman Cousins

You know, I think sometimes we as men like to perpetuate the concept of masculinity as something that does not include weakness. We have this notion that we must be strong at all costs. We are brought up to really adhere to the social construction of gender roles that states a man must be all mighty and never falter. Women are also indoctrinated to believe this as well, that they must be attracted to a man that is aggressive and somewhat bullish.

However, as a man it is hard to admit insecurities. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are alike. While, we tend to make too many of the same mistakes, we are all very different. One thing that all men share are insecurities that we choose not do deal with. This is sorta like the guy we all know that refuses to go to the doctor for whatever reason because he feels that whatever issues will just “go away”. Men deal with their insecurities in the same way.

Of course, not all of use share the same issues. My insecurities will differ from the next man. However, I think I can pretty much pin point what my issues are and try to address them in my own way. Not all men are willing to do this. I am not going to sit here and say that I am better person because clearly I am not. However, after the year I have had, I think that my road to self redemption is paved with insecurities.

Oh, do not think that I am not still on my journey because I am. This personal journey is not something that will take a month or a year. This is something that will take as long as it has to, which could be a lifetime.

Today has a specific significance because this marks the true beginning of my road to the single life. The papers have all been signed and submitted today and we are officially separated. My feeling on this is that, yes it is a new beginning but, I do find myself looking back at what was. I have made so many mistakes and I have done so many things that I continue to pay for in small ways.

I am not saying this because I feel sad. This is not a post about being depressed or feeling pity on myself. This just a friendly reminder that I need to not make those same mistakes again. This is where the heart of my own insecurities lay. I am so confident in my other areas of life. I think I am great at my job. I would like to think I am getting better at poetry. I love writing on this blog as well. It is my personal life that I feel needs some improvement, although I think it gets better everyday.

What I will not say is that I am not confident in my personal life. I gain confidence about my future everyday but, it is a cautious confidence. Kind of like when we first dip our toes into the ocean at a beach, we are not really sure how cold the water will be. Of course, once our feet are wet, we tend to just dive in. I want to be able to sail in all of my en devours. I would be foolish not to admit that I am a little intimidated to face life alone.

Yet, I am also excited as well. This is the first time in my life that I have been alone without being lonely. I will take today to look back at what was my life and my marriage. Imagine a man who is on a journey and looks back for a moment at all he has witnessed. I will take a moment to mourn something that was once special to me, then I will move on to my next destination.

The Assuming Eyes…

“When you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you.” – Anonymous

I wondered how long I can go without having to reverting back to my thoughts. I am proud to say that i dedicated a full month to the Latinegr@s Project. Poetry is another thing. Over the last month I created a separate blog for Poetry. Not to say that I will not feature poetry here because I will. I am just featuring my thoughts in a different way via poetry and music.

There has been something on my mind for about  two weeks or so. Yesterday, I just came to the fore front. I am not really sure if it was the endless coverage of Tiger Woods or if it the occurrences in the world around me. I guess I am both amused and troubled about the hypocrisy around me.

If you divert your eyes to the top of this page, you will see my mantra. “I am a firm believer that you are never too old to change. I am not perfect and I do not expect perfection for the people I know. However I do expect people to be real.” I came up with that some time last January and I still hold true to that. I am a person that can go back and forth on issues such as fate but, I am human and we do tend to evolve.

I do not agree with the judgment of others in any fashion. So whether they judge me or they judge others, it makes no difference. Not one us have the divinity to make judgments because we are not perfect in any way. I guess what really makes me smile is that fact people who have their thoughts or opinions on situations are themselves, hypocrites.

I am one to believe that people can change once they hit rock bottom. The ability to change is all based on losing everything. We all have lessons that need to be taught to us. When someones says that people cannot change, I take offense to it personally because I have indeed changed. I have also witnessed change in others. So, it is not like I am pulling this ideology out of my ass. Of course, with that said, there are those who do not change and that is more a personal choice that some genetic excuse that people can muster.

As most of you already know, I believe in forgiveness. Not in the divine sense, but in the sense of moving on with your life. This statement alone has caused some to say that I am a hypocrite. There is one person in my life I refuse to associate myself with since my college days. It is not that I do not forgive him because ultimately the past is the past, but it is more that he does not see why he needs to be forgiven. There the thought that his theft of what was mine (he still has it) is something he doesn’t acknowledge as wrong. My lack of association with him is not just a decision that was made by me but all of his former friends.

So when bringing up the question if people can change, I still think they can but, they have to want to change. I think forgiveness plays that role in allowing yourself to forgive and be forgiven. However, repeating the same behavior over and over again leads to people never trusting you again.

The most amusing thing to me how some people can judge others and live a similar type of life. I know that people in general are assholes. We are human and we do whatever we want. Evidently, we cannot escape the ever assuming eye of others. If people want to take the mantle of being judgmental then they need to turn those assuming eyes on themselves.

Latinegr@s Project: Being Afro Latino

The various concepts of Latino can be debated as a racialized identity, a political identity, or a cultural identity. In thinking about Latinos as a body of people, there has to be a thought revolving countries of origin. Just the mention of the words Latino or Hispanic brings out a broad spectrum of cultures and lands that are with the Latin American Diaspora. . The term Hispanic is problematic for many reasons and although it is widely used throughout the Southwest, Latino is a word that can have an assigned gender like most words in the Spanish vocabulary.

Latino is also a racialized identity that presents a series of social issues that I will focus on. Many Latinos are fighting for the right to not be categorized as “non white” for fear that being considered less than that would forfeit their perceived privileged. Theses would be the groups of people that would be identified as “White Hispanics”. This is a struggle that many White Hispanics fight for to maintain their social status. These are also the Latinos that popular culture identifies with.

Latino is also a political identity that many sub origins identify with. Chicanos may be used more by those Mexican Americans who refuse to be racialized by the vast majority. They deal with many issues of assimilation and immigration. Militant Puerto Ricans choose to use their origin as a political identity when dealing with issues of colonization of Puerto Rico by the United States. Political organizations like the Young Lords popped up in New York City in the late 1960’s during same time as the Black Power movement.

Afro-Latinos can be identified as dark skinned Latinos. Often times they will be referred to as Black Latinos. In the various Latino cultures throughout the Caribbean and Latin America, they represent the bottom of the social ladder. They are normally the poor and uneducated. I call myself Latinegro because it is something I feel best represents what I am in relation to other Latinos.

The social status of Afro-Latinos really depends on the country. In the United States, they are simply seen as part of the black minority, even though their ethnicity is Hispanic. However, when focusing on countries such as Mexico and Cuba the social standings are a little different. Mexico treats their Afro-Latinos as if they do not exist. They are not considered to be citizens. Cuba, on the other hand is 90% black. When Castro took power, many of Cuba’s white elite fled to the United States.

When I was a kid, my identity was clear; I was Puerto Rican and Ecuadorian. I was raised as such by my parents. We would listen to Spanish music and eat Latino food. Everything we did revolved around something that had to do with Latino culture. Yet, the in the public realm, I was felt there was something a little different about me. My father looks like a typical light skinned Latino. He enters the Navy and a young age and is proud to be American. My mother is a Afro-Latina and I get my dark complexion from her. She, like my father, was born and raised in the Bronx. Much of what I think being Latino is revolves around my parents. I never had much of an issue when I went out in public with my mother. However, I always felt that I got looks when I was out with my father. In school functions, I felt I had to say to people that, “yes, this is indeed my father”; after all, there was no other kind in the entire school who had parents that were two different shades of color.

The idea of considering myself black never entered my mind. It was quite obvious to me that I was Latino. My mother’s side of the family, including my brother, is just as dark as I am. There are a just few cousins here and there that are light skinned. However, on my father’s side of my family, I was the darkest. Everyone is fair skinned. In most Latino families this could be a very big issue. However, I can honestly say that I was not treated differently from my family because of the color of my skin. This doesn’t mean there weren’t any prejudices. I can recall on several occasions, being told that I should not marry a black girl. It was never explained why. The unwillingness to accept African roots into Latino Culture is nothing new to Latinos. This type of false sense of “whiteness” has been indoctrinated in too many Latinos since birth.

As, I grew older my parents separated and later divorced. My father and I became very close. He would tell me many stories about how his mother (who represents the Ecuadorian side of the equation) asked him not to date my mother because she was too dark. I almost get the feeling he may have done it out of spite. There was a fear from my grandmother to not darken the family. After, lighter skinned Latinos have made their place in society. When she babysat me, she would obsessively watch Novelas (Spanish soap operas) on Univision. Since I never really knew Spanish, I would watch them with her and try counting how many Latinos looks like me. I never saw one. My father once mentioned to me that he was always welcomed in my mother’s house because my maternal grandmother was proud that her daughter took a step up in marrying him. I always found it ironic that I am just as dark as my grandmother.

I never paid attention to Latino relations in the community. When living in such a melting pot of New York City, I didn’t think about those types of relations. I was taught to be more aware of people who may not look like me, such as Italians or immigrants. It wasn’t until college that I began to really see how Latinos are indoctrinated into the white binary. Trying to complete an undergrad degree at Syracuse University is not an easy thing for a person who doesn’t fit in. Due, to my skin color I found myself not having the ability to be comfortable in any one group. White people automatically assumed I was African American. The idea of me being Latino was incomprehensible.

In certain classes I found myself speaking for the wrong ethnic group. I also realized that I could not find any comfort in being with Latinos because I was just way too dark for them. There were clicks that I did not fit into; I was always felt to be the odd ball. African Americans, was the closest group to accept me, however, I never truly fit with them either. My culture is vastly different and I could not relate too many of the black experiences I was being told about at the time. My identity felt fluid. I could fit in when I needed to. Dating seemed impossible. My father would always ask me about why I was always alone or not hanging out with more Latinos. I would try to explain it to him, but deep down I knew he didn’t understand. I was called a late bloomer.

However, I did notice a change. When I started dating a light skinned Colombian in my junior year, I felt differently in the Latino student community. It was almost as if I was welcomed into the fold because I was now truly a Latino with a good looking Latina. I remember asking her about the prejudice of dark Latinos in her family, since I didn’t see any all the times I have met them. I was told by her that she didn’t think it existed in her family or her country for that matter since there was so many blacks in Colombia. Which I think was just her opinion.

As I have grown older I have become to understand the fluid nature of my identity. In college, I never fully understood that being fluid meant being able to identify with more than one type of culture. Within my current work at Syracuse University’s Division of Student Affairs, I am able to understand and mentor both African American and Latino males while having mutual respect from both. I have also had time to think about my place in the Latino community due to my volunteer work. I have yet to find a place, in large part because I still feel that the Latino identity with the city of Syracuse is in question.

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